RealMental

Right now it’s crunchy/scrapey noises. I hear it when my coffee mug touches my sweater or when my fork runs along the plate. I hear it in my ears even after the actual noise stops. Like cotton getting pressed together or really dry snow under boots. Or chewing lettuce leaves. Just typing about it makes me cringe.

I’m also super sensitive to smells. Sometimes they make me cry with….frustration? Irritability past the point of knowing what to do about it? Super-sadness? Not sure. But all this makes me feel weird.

I’ve found the secret to my life for the moment. I literally only think about what I have to do for the next hour or so. My world has become much more manageable. It’s also much smaller.

I’m in a box in my head. It’s padded and not completely uncomfortable. It’s really not anything. I’m really not anything.

I can totally understand why people get off their meds. My meds are doing precisely what my shrink told me they would: they have allowed me to be one step removed from my actions. I have plenty of time to sit back and look at my emotions before I feel them. I don’t really feel them even as I examine them. I feel weighted. Heavy. But I don’t really care.

Even as I write this, I don’t really care. I remember caring. And I remember what it used to feel like being in a manic-up stage and feeling like I was invincible. And I do miss that. But only kind of. I also kind of remember feeling super sad. But was it really THAT bad? Now I’m not so sure. And I’m tempted to stop taking these pills to find out.

I recognize this as the trap people fall in. I know I need to stay on my meds and keep going to therapy. But I don’t know if I care enough to do all the work. I don’t really mind either way, though.

Courtney sent this is the other day: Report questions generic antidepressant

I found this to be true with Wellbutrin and now the Synthroid I take for hormone replacement. I’m completely self-pay, so without nice doctors who give me samples now and then, I’m paying a ton of money per month for drugs. But I’ve found for myself that if I at least start out taking the name-brand drug for a few months and then try switching to a generic, I have a much better idea if it’s actually working the same, much like the example in the article. It’s worth the expense if it’s at all possible.

What have you all found?

That is basically what I’m doing. I’ve immersed myself in so many projects that I don’t have much time to think about anything at all. Next week I’m going to see my parents. I want to make plans to visit everyone in the entire world so I don’t have to sit still. But I don’t actually want to go anywhere. My house is littered with half-done activities and it’s like walking through a field of bombs. If anyone came over they would be appalled. But it’s working for me, so nothing is likely to change. Except it will. On the downswing.

They upped my meds yesterday. I’m now at 6mg once per evening. And twice the Trazodone so I can sleep. Instead of mixing in new drugs (anit-depressants and mood-stabilizers) they decided just upping the Invega, giving it the ol’ college try, would be a better next step. I’m not sure I agree. But I’m not sure I don’t, either.

She kept raising her arms high above her head and then bringing her arms in close and clasping her hands together while saying, ‘Do you see what I’m trying to do here? Do you? Like glue? Do you see? I’m bringing you together.’ I thought she looked ridiculous but I didn’t laugh since it wasn’t funny. I just looked at her and kept nodding. And then, about the 6th time she did it, I said out loud, ‘Yes. I see. I get it.’ and then she stopped.

I talk to people on the phone, people that care about me, and they keep asking, ‘So, you’re better? You’re fine now?’ And I want to reassure them and say, Yes! I’m fine now! Thanks so much for asking! Whoop-de-doop! But the best I can do is a mumbled I’m doing a little better, thanks. I don’t add in the rest of how I feel. I think it might scare them too much.

Sometimes my voice sounds wrong to me when I hear myself talk. I’m trying my best to not split in my mind but I’m a little afraid that it’s happening anyway. Dissociating is what my mind has to fall back on so I guess it’s not out of the realm of possibility. But it disappoints me. I doubt it would go as far as creating another personality like when I was young but I’m definitely doing something.

When I got off meds in 2003 I was pretty sure I’d never get back on. It seemed like some kind of accomplishment and I didn’t want to ‘go back.’ My family celebrated. I told people with pride that I’d been able to stop taking them.

Fast forward through hypo-thyroidism, miscarriages, drastic life changes and a few manic episodes and I just left the office of a very nice psychiatrist with my bag bulging with samples.

I alternate feeling responsible to feeling like a failure. And I’m not all together comfortable with taking Paliperidone. My psychiatrist suspects my mood shifts might be tied to Bipolar. I’ve suspected it as well. But taking an anti-psychotic med scares me because of all the side effects so if you’ve taken it, please comment with the good and the bad. I would have been much more comfortable with Effexor and Welbutrin again. I know them well.

But, I have to admit that they wouldn’t touch the weirdness I have going on right now. The intense anger and frustration. The crying and sobbing bouts and not showering or being able to even make a phone call. The feeling like everyone in the world hates me and I have no friends. The knowing for sure that I should get a divorce. The inability to sleep at night and then sleeping until noon for the next week. And then deciding that I love my husband more than anything and I’d never want to be without him, not even for five minutes oh-god-let’s-not-be-apart-at-all-today. And then my mind racing and starting a kazzillion new projects because DUDE I CAN DO ANYTHING. And today I’m going to sell my van. Let’s go right now! And then today I’m never going to sell my van. What a stupid idea! Let’s move! Let’s never move! I mean, c’mon already.

I look forward to having some kind of middle ground. But, I’m scared of this Invega. I mean, muscle spasms? Possible involuntary twitches? More weight gain? It’s so hard to take this leap into the unknown.

I’m working on dissecting a pattern. My head is still pretty wrapped up in it, so please excuse my circle talking.

It goes like this:
1) something is difficult
2) I start thinking about it a lot
3) I start trying to problem solve it
4) I notice that Joe and I aren’t talking much
5) I start to feel like he’s mad at me
6) I feel alone
7) I can’t talk about it because it’s too hard
8) I stop thinking about it because it’s too hard
9) I get angry and feel hurt and unsupported and hole up in my head
fast forward a few days
10) I feel like the only answer is to get a divorce
11) I tell Joe
12) within 48 hours, I’m back to being able to see how to cope and would never EVER think of seperating or divorcing.

Joe’s reaction at step 11 is to allow me to be in this crazy place and keep telling me he supports me and loves me. But I know it leaves some lasting effects. It has to.

The last two times this has happened, I’ve seen my self leading up to step 10 and comparing it to how I felt the last time. Both times I felt totally justified in thinking divorcing was the only answer, that this time was different, that there was no other way. And both times, within 48 hours, I’m totally back to ‘normal’, whatever that is, and can’t believe I thought that.

This happens about every 3 months or so. I don’t know if it’s something I can cope my way out of, given that I’ve been trying to get a clear scope on it and I get so completely turned around and in too deep while still feeling like I’m thinking clearly. But, it’s hard to see how some kind of medication would be helpful since it happens so infrequently, compared to symptoms in my past that came at me daily, weekly or hourly.

Knowing rationally what I do about co-dependency, I think there is something going on that I don’t know about yet. I create an environment of dis-ease because I need him to express his commitment to me? It’s depression on a cycle that hits a low I’m not used to? I need to feel unattached in order to feel strong enough to pull myself out of the funk?

All this and more tonight at 11.