Keep On Keepin’ On
That is basically what I’m doing. I’ve immersed myself in so many projects that I don’t have much time to think about anything at all. Next week I’m going to see my parents. I want to make plans to visit everyone in the entire world so I don’t have to sit still. But I don’t actually want to go anywhere. My house is littered with half-done activities and it’s like walking through a field of bombs. If anyone came over they would be appalled. But it’s working for me, so nothing is likely to change. Except it will. On the downswing.
They upped my meds yesterday. I’m now at 6mg once per evening. And twice the Trazodone so I can sleep. Instead of mixing in new drugs (anit-depressants and mood-stabilizers) they decided just upping the Invega, giving it the ol’ college try, would be a better next step. I’m not sure I agree. But I’m not sure I don’t, either.
She kept raising her arms high above her head and then bringing her arms in close and clasping her hands together while saying, ‘Do you see what I’m trying to do here? Do you? Like glue? Do you see? I’m bringing you together.’ I thought she looked ridiculous but I didn’t laugh since it wasn’t funny. I just looked at her and kept nodding. And then, about the 6th time she did it, I said out loud, ‘Yes. I see. I get it.’ and then she stopped.
I talk to people on the phone, people that care about me, and they keep asking, ‘So, you’re better? You’re fine now?’ And I want to reassure them and say, Yes! I’m fine now! Thanks so much for asking! Whoop-de-doop! But the best I can do is a mumbled I’m doing a little better, thanks. I don’t add in the rest of how I feel. I think it might scare them too much.
Sometimes my voice sounds wrong to me when I hear myself talk. I’m trying my best to not split in my mind but I’m a little afraid that it’s happening anyway. Dissociating is what my mind has to fall back on so I guess it’s not out of the realm of possibility. But it disappoints me. I doubt it would go as far as creating another personality like when I was young but I’m definitely doing something.
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Ugh Trazadone. I was on that for a while. They told me to take it with food at bedtime. I would take it with a banana and then vomit it all back up about 15 to 20 minutes later. I learned that I had to take it WITH FOOD. But who wants to eat a dinner right before bed? Thankfully I’m off that now. Actually I’m not on anything because we are trying to get pregnant and I am scared to be on anything right now. However, I am also scared that I actually need to be on something because I’ve been spiraling downwards again. Dammit.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:51 pm
Mmmmmmmm…trazadone..dreamy goodness
I have found it to very helpful……at the higher end of the dosage. It also makes for much less daytime cat-napping.
Food is not needed for me. Although wine helps!
Let the meds shake out Leah. See where they take you…….Peace to your heart, Peace to your mind
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Holding you in the light.
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:58 pm
Hang in there sister, hang in there.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:30 am
Leah I actually tried to find your number the other day but then I thought you wouldn’t know just who the hell I was and I didn’t want to add to your stress. But please know there are many people thinking about you and appreciating what you’ve brought into the world.
October 4th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Just keep swimming~ Dory, Finding Nemo.
I’m sorry folks are thinking (hoping) you’re “all better”–they do care, I think they just don’t get mental illness. It’s so hard to explain that you can be better but not better. I hope you have someone you feel safe enough to let it all out to.
We’re all behind you here- sending you strength.
October 5th, 2007 at 1:50 am
keep on keepin’ on leah
October 5th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
I know I always think people give me a month or less to have a crisis and then I should be fine. I guess “they”, like me, wish it was so simple.
Assertagirl, you are the sweetest thing ever, by the way.
Leah, I am holding tight for you from here.
Love Jen