The conversation

She said, “There is something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about”.

I immediately became uncomfortable and told her there was no need, what’s done is done.

“No”, she said.  “I need to say this”.

My head that was screaming, “NO NO NO NO” but the words that came out were, “OK”.

“Many years ago, I said something to you when I was very angry and I want to tell you that I’m sorry for that”.

I again said, “OK” wondering which time she meant.

She continued, “I said to you that I wished I’d had an abortion and I’m sorry for that.  People say things when they’re mad that they wouldn’t normally say.  Surely you can understand that now, knowing that teenagers can really push you to your limits”.

“Yes, I do understand” I replied.

I started thinking of ways that I could cheer her out of this situation.

To make it less difficult FOR HER.

I’ll never stop doing that, in my mind.  Trying to take care of her.

She needs me to do that, to help that little girl that lives deep down inside of her.

The one she’s pushed so far she can no longer even hear.  The one no one protected, the one that was abused severely and never healed.  That little girl that lives inside of her, the one that I know very well because I have one that lives inside of me too.

After it was over I started analyzing why it happened.  After all these years, why is she making amends?

It was a holiday, she’d had a few drinks, other family members put her up to it.  It wasn’t even a real apology, it was an excuse for WHY she did it.  Because I was a lousy daughter during my teenage years and it was a justified act in her mind.

None of that is important, the fact that she found the words to let me know that she was sorry for what she said was all that the little girl needed to hear.

The scar will always be there, but I’d forgiven her a long time ago.

Posted by moonflower on November 27th, 2010
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3 Comments a “The conversation”

  1. Jen says:

    I had my mom say the same thing to me on more than one occassion – the abortion thing. Sure, I know she didn’t mean it. I know she said it because of her own untreated mental illness, stress, her family background with mental abuse in it. But it hurt, nonetheless. She apologizes for being a “bad mother” from time to time. But like you, I did forgive her for that already. I don’t want to carry the baggage of anger, hurt, and pain about every little statement she made that harmed me for the rest of my life. It’s stuff I’d rather get rid of.

  2. Danielle [Left of Lost] says:

    Although you forgave her, I understand not wanting to have the conversation. You are a good daughter, forgiving the hard things. xo

  3. moonflower says:

    As always thank you for the support, and sharing your own pain. This is always welcomed.


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