Back On Meds
When I got off meds in 2003 I was pretty sure I’d never get back on. It seemed like some kind of accomplishment and I didn’t want to ‘go back.’ My family celebrated. I told people with pride that I’d been able to stop taking them.
Fast forward through hypo-thyroidism, miscarriages, drastic life changes and a few manic episodes and I just left the office of a very nice psychiatrist with my bag bulging with samples.
I alternate feeling responsible to feeling like a failure. And I’m not all together comfortable with taking Paliperidone. My psychiatrist suspects my mood shifts might be tied to Bipolar. I’ve suspected it as well. But taking an anti-psychotic med scares me because of all the side effects so if you’ve taken it, please comment with the good and the bad. I would have been much more comfortable with Effexor and Welbutrin again. I know them well.
But, I have to admit that they wouldn’t touch the weirdness I have going on right now. The intense anger and frustration. The crying and sobbing bouts and not showering or being able to even make a phone call. The feeling like everyone in the world hates me and I have no friends. The knowing for sure that I should get a divorce. The inability to sleep at night and then sleeping until noon for the next week. And then deciding that I love my husband more than anything and I’d never want to be without him, not even for five minutes oh-god-let’s-not-be-apart-at-all-today. And then my mind racing and starting a kazzillion new projects because DUDE I CAN DO ANYTHING. And today I’m going to sell my van. Let’s go right now! And then today I’m never going to sell my van. What a stupid idea! Let’s move! Let’s never move! I mean, c’mon already.
I look forward to having some kind of middle ground. But, I’m scared of this Invega. I mean, muscle spasms? Possible involuntary twitches? More weight gain? It’s so hard to take this leap into the unknown.
September 18th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Leah, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with a new diagnosis. I agree that being off meds is desirable in lots of ways, because it means that you’re strong enough to handle the ups & downs, but if the bipolar ends up being an accurate diagnosis, then maybe think of it the way my shrink put it– bipolar means there is electrically and chemically something wrong with your brain, not something that therapy alone can cure. You wouldn’t recommend that an epileptic not take his meds, would you? It’s the same principle. When I thought about it in terms of biology versus thought process as affecting mood, I felt much better about the prospect of taking meds– because there wasn’t any fault in my personality, it was “just” a glitch in the system.
I hope your shrink talked to you about some alternative meds they can try, and what kind of bipolar they think you are– I or II. I know a lot of IIs who benefit by a low dose antipsychotic or antiepileptic in combination with a relatively low dose of an antidepressant (like me, love my effexor). Best wishes as you work on figuring it all out.
September 18th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
So…I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow…wonder if I’ll get a bag, too. I have wondered about bi polar for a while now…but have been too nervous to talk about it…I mean, I pay to go to the shrink and the psychiatrist, but I don’t want them to FIX me…I should keep all of the bad things to myself, right? Anyway…I might bring up the mood swings…Keep us posted here…I found this maybe through Twitter? I dunno…anyway…good luck!
September 18th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
I think Belinda will likely give you a more kickass opinion, but that sounds bipolarish to me, either 1 or 2. I say it to myself, but do what I say, not what I do: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are the opposite. I mean jesus god, you are smart and funny and creative. Only tortured geniuses are nuts night? That said, wellbutrin and effexor can propel you into a manic-like state. SSRIs are proven to do that in most bipolars. I like to call myself bipolar lite, since i don’t get the hallucination or psychosis or the other extremes that the poor people with bipolar 1 have.
It has been a year, and we are still tweaking the meds. It it HARD to be patient and HARD not to just want to give up and HARD not to feel like you are a failure or not good enough or whatever. Dammit, it is hard. I also had a honeymoon period with no drugs. When I look back on it now? I would have divorced my brain.
September 18th, 2007 at 11:29 pm
I’m Alex, Belinda’s husband. When Jen said Belinda could give you a kickass opinion on this subject, she could. I know. The reason being that she has lived with me, a BiPolar I, for over 7 years. So, instead of her, I thought maybe I could give you two cents straight from the mouth of madness, so to speak.
Sorry to say, but to me it sounds like you are a Bipolar I. The difference between I and II being that 2’s have never had a full-blown manic episode. I dont know you, but from what you have written you’re reaching the those supreme “I can do anything” highs and then the inevitable crashes. So, youve had those extreme highs, and you do seem to realize it.
Now, just a fact. You would not ever tell a diabetic not to take insulin. They would possibly be damaging their body. Maybe permanently. The same can be said with BiPolar I. Each unmedicated cycle, especially extreme manic episodes actually damage your brain. This damage is irrevocable. this can lead to more and more extreme behavior. Studies are not 100 percent sure of this but it scared the shit out me to hear it.
It is so final. I think that is what is so hard for BiPolar people to wrap their mind around. The permanence. The fact that you will always have this. It may sound so particularly odd, but I have come to embrace the disease. Not as a friend mind you, but as I affectionately call “The Beast.” You can definitely control the Beast with the right meds. You can coexist with him, but he will never go away. It lurks. I have accepted this, and that is the secret. I am on two mood stabilizers, an antipsychotic, and an anticonvulsant. Yes, they wreak havoc on my life. My body has felt their toll. I feel like I have lost 10 IQ points, my thoughts feel sluggish at times (like the feeling of a tune in your head that the name is on the tip of your tongue, but you can never guess), I have gained a lot of weight, and you just get used to never ever feeling the highs and lows again. I am at risk for type II diabetes, and high blood pressure. Oh joy. But, to me it’s a fair trade off. Do you like your life as it is now? Do you want to live this out of control way forever? Listen, there are trade-offs, as I said. But, I would NEVER go back. Never. I will deal with the side effects. It can be done. I am living proof. Because if I don’t, I wont have the life I had before. I DO WANT to live a normal life again. Off my meds, the Beast takes control and I do things I would never imagine myself doing. It starts out with just the racing thoughts and well, you know. But, unmedicated it can progress at a frightening rate to an uncontrollable feeling that scares you. Because it’s not you. You don’t recognize yourself.
I guess it comes down to this. Do you want a normal life? Do you? Do you really? Then trust your psychiatrist. It may be hard to believe, :), but they know a little more about the disease than you do. I’m a person who lives every day holding the Beast at bay with meds that give me side effects I hate. But, I have a normal life, and I would never go back to living with the Beast. NOT ONE MORE DAY.
All this is for what its worth. I hope it helps.
September 19th, 2007 at 12:31 am
all i got is: i am angry for you, i know it sucks and it’s scary and fucked up.
xo
September 19th, 2007 at 1:25 am
My son has been taking Invega for about a month now, with absolutely NO side effects. He’s a kid that has tics on almost every med, and hasn’t had them with Invega. His Pdoc said that of all the atypical antipsychotics, Invega has the least amount of side effects out there.
My son does take other meds, including one to help control his appetite, because he was literally eating me out of house and home. He was eating 4 dinners a night, and eating every half hour when he was awake. Now that he’s taking an appetite suppressent (Topomax), he’s doing a lot better. It tends to even out the more manic behavior, which for him was eating, and it has controlled his pacing and talking to himself.
We’re quite happy with the results with Invega, which has been a decent addition to the cocktail of meds my son takes. We saw the Pdoc today, and he’s feeling optimistic that we might be able to live with this particular mix of meds for some time to come, which is amazing after a summer of hospitalizations and manic episodes.
September 19th, 2007 at 2:30 am
Alex, you are amazing. Your comments made me cry. We all deny anything that impedes our health. It is overwhelming. We have to fight it, as you say. I think that Leah creating realmental.org will help us. Lets fight it together.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
September 19th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Bummer. I’m not bipolar, just a regular depressive on one antidepressant. I love and hate my medication. On one hand it keeps the raging at bay which I never knew was a part of depression until I started on antidepressants, then got off them and the rages came back–and I didn’t go through that just once either. Oh no, I need things like this proven to me over and OVER.
But I do miss my moods, and especially my tears. It’s a love-hate thing. No med fixes everything and most have some kind of unsatisfactory side effect. In fact I haven’t met an antidepressant that doesn’t do something I dislike, it’s just been a matter of finding the one that I dislike the least–i.e., not crying definitely beats sleeping to excess.
I’m just sayin’. About the ambivalence, I can relate.
September 19th, 2007 at 9:36 am
Leah, bless your heart. It sounds like you actually have a very good amount of insight into what’s going on with you, and that is just so much of the battle won, right there.
I sure can’t add much to what my husband has said above in his annual (seriously–that’s about how often he does so) blog comment, but what I would say is this: Regardless of how this all shakes out, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE for not being able to manage a mental illness without meds, any more than you’d be a failure for not being able to, say, manage Khrone’s disease through biofeedback alone.
Also, don’t be afraid of labels. The illness is what it is, whether it’s bipolar disorder or something else. Don’t worry about what it’s called. Who cares? Similarly, don’t be afraid of the term “antipsychotic.” Taking one of the new-generation atypical antipsychotics does not mean that you’re psychotic. Alex has never had a psychotic episode in his life, and yet the antipsychotic class of drugs is the one that, IMO, saved his life and our marriage. They are an incredible innovation.
Would you be on a mood-stabilizer as well? I’m thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing you the relief you’re seeking, and may it come as quickly as possible. You are a truly amazing woman, and an inspiration to me.
September 19th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Leah….biggest hugs. You have said it all and echo a lot of the same things I deal with. It is hard not to feel like a failure…even though none of it is your fault at all.
The rapidly changing moods…perhaps your psychiatrist can look into Ultra-rapid cycling bipolar 1. When I hit stages like that my moods can go from ridiculously dangerously skyhigh to ridiculously dangerously low a few times a day. Those days are the hardest…physically and mentally and emotionally. There are also people with bipolar disorder who have “mixed” episodes, meaning they are both depressed and manic at the same time…it’s rare but it happens. Perhaps that is something to investigate as well.
I am currently taking an anti-depressant (Celexa), a mood stabilizer (Lithium), and an anti psychotic (seroquel). This “cocktail” as much as I detest taking it, and wish that it was not required, keeps me stable. To the point where my worries about whether I will wake up and the day will be a roller coaster have nearly completely subsided. The world…me…feels almost normal…not quite…but almost. I am grateful for that.
Wishing you all the best.
September 19th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I know it’s scary getting that bipolar diagnosis. I remember when my doctor suggested an antipsychotic for me and I was terrified. But in the end, I think it was the best thing for me. I never realized how much of my life was lived in fear or anger before meds. Now I feel like I’ve been let out of a prison. I feel like I am finally myself for the first time in my life. It did take a while to find a med cocktail that didn’t cause side effects. But I’m on an antidepressant now, a mood stabilizer, and an antipyschotic and that seems to work perfectly. I won’t tell you which ones because meds effect every person differently and the ones that work for me might not work for you. But I’m happy. I managed to lose weight, I can concentrate again (when I first started on the meds I felt quite sluggish, but the antipsychotic helped with that a LOT), I can sleep more normally now than I did before, and I am finally not afraid. I’m more mellow when I drive, too. I used to be pretty aggressive, I’ll tell you. But I’m just not as angry now. Really, the worst thing is just having a label like that, being bipolar. But I think it’s important not to let that define you. A disease is a disease, but not the entire you. There’s a lot more to you as a person than a medical condition. But it is a physical condition and thankfully it can be treated quite effectively. Really, is popping a pill so great a price to pay to feel normal? I don’t think so. It’s the least I could do, but it’s worth it to get my life back. It won’t prevent episodes altogether, but it will help tremendously. In the end, I think I’m grateful, in a way, for the diagnosis, because it means I am finally being treated for the right thing. I was miserable on just the antidepressants. The bipolar meds are scary, but if you have problems just tell your doctor and if he’s a good doctor he’ll switch them. As long as you’re monitoring your condition regularly, you should have no problems with the meds. I think it all sounds much worse than the reality of it. If you have a good doctor, it’s really nothing at all. And I’m considered mildly bipolar, although I did have hallucinations quite frequently. But if I can do it, anyone can do it. Just get past the name “bipolar disorder” and it’s really not so bad. Be hopeful. You’re on the right track now and things will get better. Get your life back. You deserve it.
September 19th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I could have wrote that. I so understand.
September 19th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One thing that might help is omega-3 fatty acids or fish oil. There have been quite a few studies showing a positive impact on bipolar patients and it doesn’t have any bad side effects. It’s not a substitute for other medications but it have a positive effect for very little personal cost. Best of luck.
September 19th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Alex does take a buttload of fish oil with his other meds every day, to boost the effect, hopefully.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:47 am
i’m practically a virgin when it comes to antipsychotics, i’ve only had it a few weeks – to compliment prozac for cataplexy, bipolar uno, ocd and/or, maybe, schizophrenia (dr shrink said, “doesn’t matter what we call it, does it? as long as we get your brain to give you back some control”. the first few days i was mrs zombie sleep pants and had some shocking headaches but that went. I decided not to read the endlessly folding leaflet inside the huge box that details all the possible side effects. i didn’t want to find myself looking out for them too much. inconveniences may include that I no longer get sore boobs a couple of days before my period – this is annoying because it was a good early warning system, and the other is I seem to be rather constipated. no price to pay at all. i also take omega 3’s for happy brain stroking. (and I suppose might help with the er, what did Belinda say? Buttload. As twere.)
Mr Belinda – I think of mine as external, too. A narcissistic ugly who never leaves the room but on a good day is content to just loll against a wall, breathing more softly.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Sending you good wishes as you navigate through this. ((((hugs))))
I have been thinking about this post for a few days–I wonder if a lot of us hope to get off the meds because of the stigma of mental illness. I don’t know if that is all of it, but I think if it were accepted like a physical illness it wouldn’t be so tough.
September 22nd, 2007 at 5:25 pm
My heart is with you, Leah. I went on meds again for the first time after over five years being off them in January. It was a scary decision to make, because I had honestly believed that I could live without them, and I felt that I had somehow failed myself and those close to me. It turns out now that I wish I had made the decision to try medication again sooner. I hope that you are able to find a medication, or mix of medications, that works for you. I did, and I feel like I have myself back for the first time in many years. Good luck.
September 24th, 2007 at 3:52 am
[…] husband Alex left a comment on my post on Real Mental the other night where I talked about getting back on drugs. Insights like […]