RealMental

It’s short notice now, but thanks to Jane’s blog, I just found out that another fine blogger, Cat Winblood, of Cat With A Pen, will be appearing on The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. Cat will be discussing living with Multiple Personality Disorder (DID), a topic she blogs about regularly. I’ll be TiVoing the show, and I’ll try to recap Cat’s appearance for those who miss it, unless they have a video of the segment on the site, which right now looks like a distinct possibility. Quick, everyone, find out what time the show airs where you are, and tune in to support Cat, and let the Mike and Juliet show know what you think about it–the more feedback shows like this receive, the more likely they are to cover the topics we care about.

That is basically what I’m doing. I’ve immersed myself in so many projects that I don’t have much time to think about anything at all. Next week I’m going to see my parents. I want to make plans to visit everyone in the entire world so I don’t have to sit still. But I don’t actually want to go anywhere. My house is littered with half-done activities and it’s like walking through a field of bombs. If anyone came over they would be appalled. But it’s working for me, so nothing is likely to change. Except it will. On the downswing.

They upped my meds yesterday. I’m now at 6mg once per evening. And twice the Trazodone so I can sleep. Instead of mixing in new drugs (anit-depressants and mood-stabilizers) they decided just upping the Invega, giving it the ol’ college try, would be a better next step. I’m not sure I agree. But I’m not sure I don’t, either.

She kept raising her arms high above her head and then bringing her arms in close and clasping her hands together while saying, ‘Do you see what I’m trying to do here? Do you? Like glue? Do you see? I’m bringing you together.’ I thought she looked ridiculous but I didn’t laugh since it wasn’t funny. I just looked at her and kept nodding. And then, about the 6th time she did it, I said out loud, ‘Yes. I see. I get it.’ and then she stopped.

I talk to people on the phone, people that care about me, and they keep asking, ‘So, you’re better? You’re fine now?’ And I want to reassure them and say, Yes! I’m fine now! Thanks so much for asking! Whoop-de-doop! But the best I can do is a mumbled I’m doing a little better, thanks. I don’t add in the rest of how I feel. I think it might scare them too much.

Sometimes my voice sounds wrong to me when I hear myself talk. I’m trying my best to not split in my mind but I’m a little afraid that it’s happening anyway. Dissociating is what my mind has to fall back on so I guess it’s not out of the realm of possibility. But it disappoints me. I doubt it would go as far as creating another personality like when I was young but I’m definitely doing something.

When I got off meds in 2003 I was pretty sure I’d never get back on. It seemed like some kind of accomplishment and I didn’t want to ‘go back.’ My family celebrated. I told people with pride that I’d been able to stop taking them.

Fast forward through hypo-thyroidism, miscarriages, drastic life changes and a few manic episodes and I just left the office of a very nice psychiatrist with my bag bulging with samples.

I alternate feeling responsible to feeling like a failure. And I’m not all together comfortable with taking Paliperidone. My psychiatrist suspects my mood shifts might be tied to Bipolar. I’ve suspected it as well. But taking an anti-psychotic med scares me because of all the side effects so if you’ve taken it, please comment with the good and the bad. I would have been much more comfortable with Effexor and Welbutrin again. I know them well.

But, I have to admit that they wouldn’t touch the weirdness I have going on right now. The intense anger and frustration. The crying and sobbing bouts and not showering or being able to even make a phone call. The feeling like everyone in the world hates me and I have no friends. The knowing for sure that I should get a divorce. The inability to sleep at night and then sleeping until noon for the next week. And then deciding that I love my husband more than anything and I’d never want to be without him, not even for five minutes oh-god-let’s-not-be-apart-at-all-today. And then my mind racing and starting a kazzillion new projects because DUDE I CAN DO ANYTHING. And today I’m going to sell my van. Let’s go right now! And then today I’m never going to sell my van. What a stupid idea! Let’s move! Let’s never move! I mean, c’mon already.

I look forward to having some kind of middle ground. But, I’m scared of this Invega. I mean, muscle spasms? Possible involuntary twitches? More weight gain? It’s so hard to take this leap into the unknown.

Republished from Leahpeah, January 26th, 2006.

I’ve accumulated some questions from readers in my inbox and now, armed with a small Dr. Pepper and Feist playing in the headphones, I will attempt to answer them in a way that is readable.

Do you ever “miss” the other personalities? Or, because they are all a part of you now, do you not long for them? I was thinking that in many ways Claire had been your best friend – someone to always bounce ideas off of and such – do you miss having that?

Before I became integrated, it was a heavy topic of conversation, the ‘what happens to everyone if we become just one’ question. And some of my personalities had a great fear of getting left behind and one in particular thought that if we did integrate, we would be defenseless against ‘all the bad guys.’ It takes a lot of faith in your therapist to make that leap because you don’t have any real idea of what it feels like to live life as a ‘mono mind.’ Post-integration, I realized that there is no way to explain what it feels like to be a whole person just like it’s not possible to explain what it feels like to be split to someone that is not. Read more »