RealMental

Seeing the kids on two Saturdays in a row was great. I hadn’t seen them for 7 months. I missed them so much.

Tyler and Tony are stronger and beefier. Their necks are almost as big as their heads, which is what their father looked like when I met him and it brings back bittersweet memories. They will both be playing football this coming school year for the varsity team and are quite proud of it. I’m quite proud of it. Because they are, I guess.

Tyler, ever the fair one, makes sure we get every minute with them that we are allotted. Not one more or less. He is very equa. He loves both his mother and father equally and wants to make sure we know it.

Tony on the other hand, plays things by ear and would be swayed one way or the other by the wind or a sneeze. He wants to make everyone happy. He has so much love oozing from his pores and loathes to hurt anyone’s feelings. Tender hearted.

Tony looks for something for his girlfriend at the swap meet and knows what he wants to get her. He just needs Alex to help him with his final choice and he’s set and happy with what he got her.

Tyler isn’t sure what he wants to get and is afraid to even call the girl he’s sweet on a girlfriend. I try to help him from a female point of view, but I find myself lacking. I’m not in touch with today’s teenager. Surprised? But Alex saves the day again and helps him find the right bracelet to go with the ring he picked earlier.

And Alex? I don’t even know where to start. She’s OLDER. I don’t know how else to say it. She’s 19, almost 20. She has her first real boyfriend and starting her second year at college. She has some adult issues to contend with. And she seems so young sometimes. She tells me she feels both young and old and I believe her since I was 19 once. But I was having my second child. Her. I was pregnant with her at 19 and I also felt as young as a child. A child having a child. As a reflex, I make sure she has all the protection she wants and needs to prevent having kids right now. I know almost 20 and 2 kids. I don’t want her to know it, too. Alex is smart and beautiful. Naive and very sharp. She’s compassionate and loving. I frequently get glimpses of who she really is inside.

I didn’t get to see Devon. I miss him.

I’ve been keeping secrets deliberately.  Right now it seems like the best thing to do.

At one time I believed that secrets were bad.  One should aways live the kind of life that allowed for complete transparency.  If you kept a secret it probably meant that you were doing something wrong.  You should try to be clear with everyone about everything.

Truth is, it’s more complicated than that.  Sometimes not telling is the best thing to do.  Sometimes it’s the only way to protect yourself.  Because people don’t understand.  They get judgemental, they don’t listen, or they don’t care.  I would rather carry a secret safely all by myself than share it with someone who will shrug and say “whatever”.  Or someone who will argue with me.  Or someone who will misunderstand, forcing me to begin explaining something that I don’t have the energy to explain.

It takes energy to contain the secrets, but not as much as it would take if they came out.

Sometimes I don’t even want to tell someone who would listen, care, and understand.  Because if that person cares about me, and finds the facts upsetting, then I have to deal with my feelings and their feelings.  Now I feel bad for myself, and I feel bad that they feel bad about me feeling bad, etc, which creates a loop of intensifying feedback that builds until I can’t bear it.

I’m not doing anything wrong.  At least, I don’t think so.  But I’m still going to keep my feelings secret.   It’s what’s working for me now.

[25/365] …, originally uploaded by skylar_murphy..

{105/365} me you and my medication, originally uploaded by jaytildeath.

One of the definitions of betrayal is, “to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one’s friends.”

There are certain people in your life that you just assume won’t betray you.  A family member, an old friend, your parents, pick your confidant.

As I listened to you talking about me like I wasn’t even there, I felt sick to my stomach.  I wanted to run but I had no where to run to.

The things you said, they hurt my heart.

I wanted to trust you, I wanted to believe that you wouldn’t betray that trust.

I talked to my therapist about it, he said the fact that I got sick to my stomach was a sign that I’ve grown.  That most healthy people would be sickened by your behavior.

In the past I would’ve just overlooked it.  Kind of like ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room.  I learned that skill from being sexually abused, it’s a survival mechanism and came in handy.

The only way for me to get around what happened is to believe you are a very sick person.  I hold no resentment, no contempt.

It’s one of those really hard lessons that you only need to learn once, that I am unable to trust you with intimate pieces of my life.

For your own good, for my own good your secret is safe with me, along with all the others.  I won’t declare revenge and threaten you with my insider information.  That would not serve anyone, but mostly I have no desire to do that.

I’m taking that as another sign I’ve made progress on this whole being human thing.

Bloodbath 1, originally uploaded by chantel beam photography.