Secrecy Privacy
August 1st, 2010I’ve been keeping secrets deliberately. Right now it seems like the best thing to do.
At one time I believed that secrets were bad. One should aways live the kind of life that allowed for complete transparency. If you kept a secret it probably meant that you were doing something wrong. You should try to be clear with everyone about everything.
Truth is, it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes not telling is the best thing to do. Sometimes it’s the only way to protect yourself. Because people don’t understand. They get judgemental, they don’t listen, or they don’t care. I would rather carry a secret safely all by myself than share it with someone who will shrug and say “whatever”. Or someone who will argue with me. Or someone who will misunderstand, forcing me to begin explaining something that I don’t have the energy to explain.
It takes energy to contain the secrets, but not as much as it would take if they came out.
Sometimes I don’t even want to tell someone who would listen, care, and understand. Because if that person cares about me, and finds the facts upsetting, then I have to deal with my feelings and their feelings. Now I feel bad for myself, and I feel bad that they feel bad about me feeling bad, etc, which creates a loop of intensifying feedback that builds until I can’t bear it.
I’m not doing anything wrong. At least, I don’t think so. But I’m still going to keep my feelings secret. It’s what’s working for me now.