RealMental

Darkest before the dawn, as they say.

I wonder, when will the light shine again,

when will the path be crystal clear and back on track?

I’m in charge of that, don’t want to be.

Not today, or tomorrow.  No sirree.

Suffering is a normal part of the human condition, we are not meant to be jolly all the time.  No, we are not.  The fairy tales, THEY LIE.

The sorrow, the sad, the confusion, the ick.

It lives inside of me waiting for the moment when I am weak.  It moves in, full stealth mode and brings the whole ick battalion.

Been here, done this, survived and got stronger.

Ride it out, hang on, keep my pace.

Save my face.

By Doreen Ashlee

I am a person that dissociates. Use to be other personalities, now it’s just strange mind sets. I make decisions, thinking I am ok. But then at some point later it’s like I wake from a dream and can see clearly.

Like looking through sunglasses and then suddenly taking them off and every thing is clear and bright.

I never know when I am looking through those sunglasses til they are removed.

I make decisions that seem perfectly sane, seem perfectly clear, and then suddenly it’s like I wake up and what have I done??

I use to shop in what I called black outs. Now it seems I get rid of my things. I feel that if I get rid of the things that represent me, that I too will disappear.

Last summer the counting started. Counting how many teddy bears or dolls I have. Wanting to keep the numbers low.

I kept asking people what is wrong with me. One friend thought it was something spiritual. The elimination of things in my life. That was a great idea, but it really felt more like purging. Like an intense pressure building up, til it was released, by donating my things.

Its been a year, this past June.

It hurt emotionally to part with some of the things I loved. But I thought it was a good thing.

Then last week a friend and I rescued a bunch of teddy bears out of a trash bin. Her’s for a yard sale and five I chose to take home.

Those 5 bears jump started my creativity once again. I felt a flow of inspiration that had been dormant for some time.

And then the sunglasses were lifted and I had clear vision once again.

And now I feel the loss of the things I loved and parted with.
Letting go of some things was fine, others were not.

I wish I could tell when I am wearing the sunglasses.
Its hard living with the consequences.
Today my vision is clear but for how long? I do not know.

Mathematician and Physicist Percy Paul is afflicted with severe Bipolar Disorder. He believes that his manic states allow him access into creative thought patterns. The curse is the resulting depressions that endanger his life.

Watch a 2 minute preview here.

Guest post by Majarani

I always wanted to be an anthropologist. I wanted to study cultures, artifacts – essentially I wanted to be Indiana Jones. Maybe we all do a little. Not so much the chilled monkey brains, but very much the knowledge and power it brings.

I am drawn to the comparison now because I feel, much like Indy, that I am in a trap. I entered into this maze to find a prize and feel thwarted at every turn. I’m not searching for a healing skull or valuable gem, but simply peace. Peace of mind, peace in my heart, peaceful sleep. I can’t shake the feeling of crouching and crawling through dank, moss-covered stones. Hauling myself through an ancient canal, dredging up sludge and ignoring the slithery, slimies that keep bumping my legs. I reach what appears to be the end and suddenly “pwang!” five arrows embed themselves into the opposite wall an inch from my nose.

Someone once told me- “it’s not always a good thing to see a light at the end of the tunnel. There are very good odds it is an oncoming train.” I guess I’d rather be on the wrong track then be hit by the right train.

I’m tired, burnt-out. I’m going to find peace or die trying. I cannot live in fear anymore. I can’t wonder if I will ever be safe, or have a place to hide. I will be safe, I will have peace- but maybe I can’t have what I want here. Maybe I need to move on and this is the universe giving me a heads up. Hey Universe, a few less snakes next time ok? I hate snakes.