RealMental

Maybe some day you will understand why I’ve had to do some of the things I’ve had to do.

Stop punishing me with your perceived notion of what is right, and what is wrong.  Step outside of that head of yours for a little while and ponder the vast reaching capacity of our humanity.

Or, just do the dance, receive the accolades as you were taught to know that you are loved.  Keep reaching outside of yourself to find what you think you need.  Keep staying stuck where you are when you know your capacity for greatness beckons you to meet it.

Empty buckets lined up at your door, waiting for the love you know you deserve because you did everything right.  Years gone, spent on trying to please them and not yourself.

When people hurt us, does it matter any more or less if we are biologically connected to them?  Who made that rule that we have to go down with a sinking ship just because we’re family.

I used to be as you are, loyal and blind.  The years taught me to see things differently.  My experience, my road, my decision to decide who and what I will welcome into my life.

Didn’t realize you had the choice?

Yes, you do.

Perhaps you’ll hold on to this ideal until you are old, that’s ok if you do.  Perhaps you’ll begin to turn down the road that tells you to leave behind everything you’ve ever known and loved.

I like to believe that is the road where we find our true selves.  The uncomfortable kind with rocks and pebbles, no water or a friendly familiar face.  This is the road to find out who we really are.  The answers are not always in what we find the most comfortable.

I love you and I always will.

Please try not to judge me for the things that I have to do as I travel along my path, just because you do not believe them to be good and right.  Just love me and try to understand that there is always more to a picture than what you can see, and that sometimes your eyes play tricks on you.

Lastly, I miss you.

Princess was released today. Her medication has been adjusted, thanks to a doctor who was willing to listen to my speculation about bipolar tendencies. We meet tomorrow with the practice that will take care of the transitional care when she returns to school next week (either a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient, both of which will take place after school).

Tonight was back to school night at Princess’s school. It was not an easy night, since I didn’t know what to expect from other parents or from the teachers regarding Princess. Many of the parents seem not to know that anything has gone wrong. The only parents with whom I talked about her recent hospitalization were the parents of one of the girls who reported to the counselor that she was talking of stabbing herself. I thanked them, and their daughter, for starting the process to getting better. I tried to hold back the tears, but…well, that isn’t so much an option for me sometimes. I apologized for putting their twelve-year-old daughter in such a tough spot.

My tears brought some tears from this girl’s mom. She and her husband admonished me for apologizing, and said they are keeping Princess in their prayers. They wanted to pass along to their daughter our appreciation for having done the right thing. She told me that her sister had struggled with depression and talked of suicide, and that her husband lost a friend to suicide.

I still feel like a shell of myself. I’m sleeping more than typical yet not feeling rested. I eat because I know I must, not because I have a taste for it. Our priest, the school staff, Princess’s therapist, the executive assistant for my department are keeping a close eye on me, I think, not sure if I may shatter at any moment. But for Princess I am holding it together, I take deep breaths and I focus on how to move forward. One small step at a time.