RealMental

For the last several months, I have been an emotional mess. I’m being pulled in so many directions-my heart, my mind, the opinions of friends and family, my desires, my needs, my wants, my fears, my anger, school, work, child, family-I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I know that this heavy feeling in my body is my stress, worry, intense anger. It pulls on my face, gnaws on my heartstrings, saps my strength.

Things are not always what you expect them to be; I am not so naive to believe that they will be. I know I am blessed in so many ways, yet I am feeling down. I know that there are high and low points in everyone’s life, but I just don’t want to be standing at the bottom of the mountain, in the damn mud, with a flat tire and no spare. I don’t like the damn low points. They suck. I am frustrated, angry (to put it mildly), sad, scared, disappointed….all the shitty emotions I don’t want to feel.

I go to bed exhausted and my dreams are full of unpleasant things. I wake up thinking about how things could be different if I could control other people’s actions, how things could be different if I would just MAKE A DECISION and go with it. I am stuck in this middle place, this place where lives merge, paths split, where small gestures mean too much. I’m trying to find a balance in this frozen middle, suspended above my fear and rage. I’m trying to keep control of the uncontrollable emotions: rage, blame, desire, fear. I’m not sure I’m doing such a good job.

I can’t see out of this hole right now. I am sitting here with the story of my life in my lap-the damn eraser on the end of the pencil is gone, and the lead broke pages ago. I count my blessings, read what’s been written so far, and try to sort out what is real and what is just my blurred emotional spin on reality.

[25/365] …, originally uploaded by skylar_murphy..

{105/365} me you and my medication, originally uploaded by jaytildeath.

One of the definitions of betrayal is, “to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one’s friends.”

There are certain people in your life that you just assume won’t betray you.  A family member, an old friend, your parents, pick your confidant.

As I listened to you talking about me like I wasn’t even there, I felt sick to my stomach.  I wanted to run but I had no where to run to.

The things you said, they hurt my heart.

I wanted to trust you, I wanted to believe that you wouldn’t betray that trust.

I talked to my therapist about it, he said the fact that I got sick to my stomach was a sign that I’ve grown.  That most healthy people would be sickened by your behavior.

In the past I would’ve just overlooked it.  Kind of like ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room.  I learned that skill from being sexually abused, it’s a survival mechanism and came in handy.

The only way for me to get around what happened is to believe you are a very sick person.  I hold no resentment, no contempt.

It’s one of those really hard lessons that you only need to learn once, that I am unable to trust you with intimate pieces of my life.

For your own good, for my own good your secret is safe with me, along with all the others.  I won’t declare revenge and threaten you with my insider information.  That would not serve anyone, but mostly I have no desire to do that.

I’m taking that as another sign I’ve made progress on this whole being human thing.