Make A Decision
For the last several months, I have been an emotional mess. I’m being pulled in so many directions-my heart, my mind, the opinions of friends and family, my desires, my needs, my wants, my fears, my anger, school, work, child, family-I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I know that this heavy feeling in my body is my stress, worry, intense anger. It pulls on my face, gnaws on my heartstrings, saps my strength.
Things are not always what you expect them to be; I am not so naive to believe that they will be. I know I am blessed in so many ways, yet I am feeling down. I know that there are high and low points in everyone’s life, but I just don’t want to be standing at the bottom of the mountain, in the damn mud, with a flat tire and no spare. I don’t like the damn low points. They suck. I am frustrated, angry (to put it mildly), sad, scared, disappointed….all the shitty emotions I don’t want to feel.
I go to bed exhausted and my dreams are full of unpleasant things. I wake up thinking about how things could be different if I could control other people’s actions, how things could be different if I would just MAKE A DECISION and go with it. I am stuck in this middle place, this place where lives merge, paths split, where small gestures mean too much. I’m trying to find a balance in this frozen middle, suspended above my fear and rage. I’m trying to keep control of the uncontrollable emotions: rage, blame, desire, fear. I’m not sure I’m doing such a good job.
I can’t see out of this hole right now. I am sitting here with the story of my life in my lap-the damn eraser on the end of the pencil is gone, and the lead broke pages ago. I count my blessings, read what’s been written so far, and try to sort out what is real and what is just my blurred emotional spin on reality.
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:04 am
I think many of us would experience far less stress and sadness if we could control others’ actions – but the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. And while it’s so easy to sit here and say such things, it’s so hard to implement that rule into our lives. It’s hard to make a decision and stick with it, especially if you are a romantic at heart, hope for happy endings and worry about how your decisions will affect others – which are pretty common reactions when you are a loving and caring human being. Just do the best you can, and when you are feeling down, lean on others. Hope you start to feel better soon.
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:30 am
You know that any one of us will gladly hand you both a pencil and an eraser. Just let us…
Love you.
August 3rd, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Oh friend do I ever know where you are coming from. It is so difficult to see when you are stuck down “in the mud.” Hard to see a way out and you end up spiraling round and round, deeper into the place you are trying to get out of. I hope you can find some peace. You are such a fantastic and caring person and for all the good you do for others, you deserve to have the same sent back to you. Hugs and love to you!
August 3rd, 2010 at 10:23 pm
I know that the past year has been especially difficult and it hasn’t been of any fault of your own. It’s hard to tell where your heart is when your mind is makings things so much harder but I know that in the long run you will do what is right for you. Essentially that is all we ALL should do. It’s our own lives, we make of it what we want. Sometimes what we want isn’t necessarily the easy thing, but it’s the right thing.
I know you’re hurting and all I can add is…we are always here if you need us. It might just seem like we are just printed on a webpage, but truthfully…you got a fully functioning support group here and we’re all here for ya! Love ya!!! :-)
August 12th, 2010 at 3:03 am
All three of you are wonderful friends. Thank you for your kind words. Love to you all. xoxo