The third time i tried to kill myself was just three months ago.

It was my most serious attempt. The one that almost took. The one where i had the most to lose.

I had been depressed for two years. Medicated for one. The year leading up to my suicide attempt was the hardest of my life. My marriage was falling apart. My children were growing in amazing, independent ways. Needing me less. Yet, needing me enough that they still occupied all my time. But, i could see the future. The hopelessness of it. Just being a mother. I had given up everything to have children.

I was young when i started having them. I had a promising career that i walked away from to be a stay at home mom. And suddenly. Suddenly i wasn’t young anymore. I was an unemployable mother with an out of date education and no work experience.

The year was a downward spiral of wrong medications, abuse of sedatives and over-consumption of alcohol. Self-medicating. Seperating from my pain and my family.

In january i was hospitalized from an accidental overdose on clonazepam. I spent five days on the psychiatric ward. Locked in. Humbled. Humiliated.

I came home and began seeing a psychiatrist and his team. Changed my medication. Put on a brave face. Lying my way through therapy and family. Assuring everyone that i was okay. Just fine. Great even.

But, i wasn’t. I was more lost than ever. I wanted out. Out of my marriage. Out of my life. Out of the heart crushing pain.

I began having an affair.

Seeking refuge in the arms of someone totally distant from my life. No part of it. It made life a little easier. For awhile. I fooled myself in to thinking that this was okay. This was an answer. This was a lie.

Hating myself. Hating everybody.

In july i found myself alone at the house for the night. I felt desperately sad. An intense loneliness that bore down on me with a pain that was so fierce my heart raced and my head pounded and my heart felt like it was breaking.

Without any pre-meditation. Without a thought for my children. I googled the perfect, deathly mix of the drugs i had on hand. I took all i had to, plus a few for good measure. I made some phone calls, twittered what i was doing. Said my goodbyes to the sky. Turned up the music and passed out on my balcony. Half in, half out of the house.