Third time’s a charm?
By Saviabella
Yesterday, I made an emergency appointment with my doctor because I had a horrible reaction to the drug I’ve been on for the past few months. Effexor combined with my monthly PMS symptoms to give me a lovely manic attack. A week’s worth of roller coaster mood swings, insomnia, and really strong impulses to do things that were not consistent with my personality or normal actions. It scared the fuck out of me. Fortunately, I am very self-aware, knew this was a possibility on this drug, and am strong-willed and stubborn as all hell, so I didn’t do anything I would have regretted. But I could have. And next time, it could be worse. So, I’m getting the hell off and trying something new.
It felt good to march into my doctor’s office and tell her what I wanted: off the drug, on a new drug that wouldn’t trigger mania or make me fat, a referral to a psychiatrist who wasn’t an asshole and whom I could work with collaboratively to explore the possibility of some version of bi-polar (which does run in my family), a note so I could drop the class I’m in without academic or financial penalty, and hell, throw in a blood test for iron and B12 levels while you’re at it because we all know I’m a crappy vegetarian.
The problem is, in these parts, the wait to get in with a psychiatrist is three to six months. Even people who, as my doctor puts it, “are in really urgent situations”, are unable to get in before then. There are too few in this city, and they’re overworked. The only way you can see one right away is if you’re hard-core suicidal, and I am determined not to let it get that bad. So, we wait. And we try another drug in the hopes that it doesn’t do something similarly nasty in the meantime, though we’re aware of that possibility with any of the drugs she can give me.
Finding a drug to try was a bit of a hassle. We ruled out Effexor, of course, because that’s the reason I was there. Then, she asked me, “Have you ever tried any other drug?”
Why, yes. How ’bouts I take you on a walk down memory lane, doc darling?
Right after my second university degree (I was about 24), I found myself in another city working a flaky job for a flakier boss. It did not end well. I became severely depressed and just wanted to go to therapy. But there was a wait for that, too (seriously, if you’re not suicidal, it’s hard to get help sometimes). My doctor shoved Zoloft at me. I didn’t want to take it, but she assured me, “If you don’t need it, it won’t do anything to you, and if you do, it will make you feel better, so you have nothing to worry about.”
Bullshit.
It certainly didn’t make me feel better. I was shaky all the time. I didn’t feel any less depressed. I just stayed in my apartment, being unemployed and watching my legs twitch for weeks, waiting for it to kick in, and knowing that it could take a full six weeks to do so. At around the seventh or eighth week, something happened. I started having suicidal thoughts. And not just any suicidal thoughts – I mean detailed, graphic, violent suicidal thoughts. I was terrified. I had felt suicidal in the past, but it was never anything like this, never anything this violent or graphic. I certainly wasn’t suicidal before I took the drug, so I knew it wasn’t me. I was scared that something terrible could happen to me, so I gathered up all the knives and drugs in my house and shoved them at my best friend for safe-keeping. (Now, that was a fun conversation. Would you mind taking all these sharp objects away so I won’t be able to hurt myself without meaning to? I can’t even have them in my house because I don’t know what I’m capable of. Thanks. You’re a doll.) I ate my steak with a butter knife for awhile and decided I was getting the hell off these drugs. Somewhere along the way, I wrote this poem:
Zoloft
I
Shaky
Jittery
Stomach tied in a knot
(one of those special kinds you learn
in Girl Scouts.)
II
I don’t want to leave my room.
Oh God, I want to leave now!
No, I don’t.
Yes, I do.
III
I’ll tell you what I want
what I really really want.
I want to take one of those
large kitchen knives
(and none of this sissy dainty
wrist-slitting crap) and
I want to plunge it violently
into my arm – tear
through muscle and tendon
grind away at bone
just to see what it would be
like.
IV
But instead,
I throw the little yellow happy pills
into the toilet
and pee on them.
Yes, I am now aware that it’s extremely unenvironmental to flush drugs, but at the time, I just needed to literally piss all over those motherfuckers and get them the hell away from me. I went to my therapist (I finally had one) and told her what was going on and that I was quitting the drugs. She encouraged me to take the drugs back to my doctor and tell her what happened, because doctors need to know when things go wrong so they can report adverse reactions to the drug companies. She had a point. This was 1999, before there were any warnings or implications on patient drug information that these drugs could cause suicidal tendencies in some people, so, looking back, she really had a point. Maybe my case actually made a difference? Ah, probably not, considering the fuckwad doctor I had. Observe:
Savia: [shoving the drug samples back at Fuckwad Doctor] Here. You can have these back. I’m not taking them anymore. They made me suicidal.
Fuckwad Doctor: Oh, that’s just the depression coming back.
Savia: I wasn’t suicidal before I started taking these drugs.
Fuckwad Doctor: You just need a higher dose.
Savia: No. I’m done. I’m not taking these or any drugs anymore. I’m just here to let you know that.
[Fuckwad Doctor looks at me like I’m a fucking idiot who is likely going to end up dead in a back alley somewhere, and I walk out of the office.]
I went off the drugs cold turkey and the suicidal feelings went away. I continued with the talk therapy and was fine without drugs to manage anxiety and depression for years.
But the fact that I had that reaction from Zoloft those many years ago means my current doctor, who is not a fuckwad by any means, is leery to give me any drug in that class. So, that eliminates all the old standbys – Prozac, Paxil, Celexa are out, and we’ve already established that Effexor is out, so that leaves us with a small third class of drugs, the best bet of that being Wellbutrin.
Any of you out there on this one? What do you think of it? I figure it’s worth a shot, and am knocking wood that it will help me get through the next three to six month wait to see someone who will actually be able to help me. After all, they say the third time’s a charm. Let’s hope they’re right.
September 25th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
Wellbutrin made me a raging witch but Zoloft made me fat and well… numb.
Hopefully it helps you.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Zoloft, Effexor and Prozac made me feel worse (like you described), I CAN take paxil for anxiety and wellbutrin to pep the depression up a bit, plus the mood stablizer and “emrgency” sedatives. I know they consider all SSRIs to be the same, but I don’t think they are…..
September 25th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I guess it’s different for everyone, right? I won’t know unless I try. Kind of like one of those science experiments they used to make you do in Grade 9 – let’s mix these two things together and see what hap – ,[Kaboom!]
September 25th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
I remember when I was first getting my rx from the p-doc. I was nursing and preferred something that more info was known about (I forget what she originally wanted to prescribe me) . Zoloft had the most info on it and nurslings at that time, but she felt it would make me a little too ‘edgy’ (I was like, yeah, I’m already edgy. not a good plan). She felt paxil was a better fit for me.
I wasn’t getting enough relief from the paxil for most of this year. My therapist thought I should ask about wellbutrin. The pdoc preferred to up the paxil again and that seems to have done the trip.
I hope the wellbutrin will help you get through the next few months.
September 26th, 2007 at 12:33 am
I personally love Wellbutrin. I’ve been on it for about 2 or 3 years, and sometimes I might French kiss the bottle, maybe, I’m not saying for sure. But every brain reacts so differently, there’s really no telling. Hope you find something that works well.
September 26th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Wellbutrin made me very very angry all the time. I am doing really well on Cymbalta
September 26th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
If the anti-depressants aren’t working, I would definitely consider bipolar disorder. If you’ve taken that many different ones, I’m surprised your p-doc hasn’t considered it yet. Really, I only tried 3 anti-depressants before my doctor tried bipolar meds. And anti-depressants on their own do not always help if you are bipolar as they can make you manic.
Also, meds affect everyone differently, so just because something worked for me doesn’t mean it will work for you, too. I took Paxil and it made me hugely fat. I took Effexor and it made me more depressed than I was before I took it, but Zoloft works great for the anxiety. But I still have to take the mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic to control the other bipolar symptoms. But, again, that’s me. Some of the symptoms you described do sound like bipolar, but I’m not a doctor, so I hope you will find another doctor if this guy you’re seeing now isn’t going to help you. This is about you, not him, so you deserve to find a doctor who will work with you if this guy won’t.
September 26th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I had a long, sordid affair with various meds, too. My entire life since age 12 was medicated, with a short self-induced break from age 22-24. My rap sheet includes Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Serzone, Lexapro, Depakote, Lithium, Topamax (I had a quack diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder; THAT was fun!). While on Topamax, I developed metabolic acidosis, lost 50 pounds (I weighed 90 pounds at one point; I’m 5’6″), and had heart palpitations. My hair started to fall out and I had bulbous acne on my chin. Everything about that particular drug screamed TOXIC to me, so I quit everything, “fired” my shrink, and vowed to stay away from mind-altering chemicals forever!
Flash forward a couple of years: I finished my MA at age 24, started my career, and sunk into a horrible depression. At the encouragement of my boyfriend, I talked to my GP about finding a therapist. She recommended a few, and I set up an appointment with the first one who called me back. I had been seeing my therapist (she’s wonderful; never pushed drugs on me) for over a year before she even suggested that a medication might be worth a try. She’s a psychologist, not psychiatrist, but she has plenty of experience with meds. She suggested Wellbutrin. I resisted.
After several months of not getting anywhere just talking, I went to my GP and told her about my discussion with my therapist. I was put on Wellbutrin XL and have taken 300mg for the past year. It helps, it really does. It’s not a cure-all, but the depression isn’t quite as dark, and it doesn’t come around as often. I had some headaches at first, and some night sweats, but they went away within a week. Now, a year into things, the only side effect I notice is an increased sensitivity to light; the headlights of oncoming traffic are GLARING. Every now and then I feel like a bit of a failure for “having” to take meds, but I look at this as the disease it is. If I were diabetic I wouldn’t deny myself insulin…
Good luck!
September 26th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Courtney- Maybe THAT’S why I am so sensitive to light! I never realized there may be a connection between my Wellbutrin and light sensitivity. Thanks for saying that.
I have been on a Lexapro/Wellbutrin combo for a few years. I’ve been feeling like they aren’t working as well lately and am afraid to switch. The Wellbutrin usually helps with my energy level and keeps me from falling aslepe and inappropriate times. It also helps me control my appetite which is a bonus. I don’t feel it helps much with the depression- I need the Lexapro for that- but helps with my physical side effects from depression.
September 27th, 2007 at 12:17 am
My magic formula is Wellbutrin, Lexapro, and Lamictal. It’s different for everyone though. My magic formula quite likely will not be your magic formula. I haven’t had any trouble at all with Wellbutrin and have been on it for several years. Hang in there and keep trying! Once you find your own perfect cocktail you’ll be SO glad you didn’t give up.
September 27th, 2007 at 1:04 am
I’m not going to give up, that’s for sure. Thanks so much for your thoughts and encouragement. My biggest hope is that the Wellbutrin will bring me up enough that I’ll have the energy and motivation to start exercising, because I know that can make such a big difference, both physically and mentally.
September 27th, 2007 at 10:46 am
I’ve never taken Zoloft, but I have taken Effexor and Paxil and did NOT like the effects of either. Talk about mood swings! I could hear them, literally! If I missed a dose, within an hour, I could hear blips and buzzes, when I would turn my head, and get anxiety attacks. That stuff was terrible.
I now take Cymbalta, which seems to work well. My husband takes Celexa and it works great for ;him.
good luck to yoy
September 27th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
LOVE LOVE Wellbutrin. Took Zoloft and I could not have an orgasm if my life depended on it. THAT made me very depressed because well…figure that one out.
Anyway, Wellbutrin is everything that is great about Prozac, but has nothing of the bad. Going back on it actually, I was on Zoloft for post partum depression.