by StormyBluez

Since I haven’ t ate a meal in a week, my dad took me to eat the other day. He bought me a beer at a Mexican restaurant and a steak. We usually just sit in comfortable quietness and joke sarcastically a few times. But, I was feeling quite lonesome and numb that afternoon. If he hadn’t come along I probably would have gouged in the bathtub and cryed all day, so I was glad he saved me from an episode.

I attempted to indulge in a conversation & asked ” Ta, you ever want to go back to Mexico someday?” He shook his head told me ” Why would I want to go back there, nothing there but a bunch of thieves and poor people you can’t help.- gypsies!” my dads was born in Mexico – “Family did nothing but steal from your grandfather …” My heart turned BLACK … My Grandfather … I couldn’t hear my father anymore I just kept looking at his eyelashes thinking I could never break his heart and let him know what kind of bastard my Gramps was. Then our steaks came.

Not only the Ancient Poison dart to the heart, but 3 Mexicans were gawking at me from behind my fathers back, I couldn’t eat. I went to the bathroom.

I’ve always done my best thinking- crying- writing- dieing in there, I had a flash of me in shorts, me in a 80s dress as a little girl, to close to that old fuck. No one noticed, I was just a child 5 or 6. A Mouse with a mouse hole.

I remember when my Grandfather was dieing NO ONE came to see him in the convalescent hospital. No one but my dad and me. I was 18, think I went jUST to see the suffering in his eyes, never consulted him. Just watched.
I remember being left alone with him once, (my dad had to sign something) I wanted to pull the life support- rip the IVs- strangle him with a pillow, OD him, or just burn him with a cigarette, anything. This frail old man Knew I came to Watch him die and I Smiled about it. I acknowledge that I am still so angry. I need help.

Its 5:37 AM its weird I can smell his disgusting stench.
My mother knows about my abuser. I begged her not to tell my father.
I’ve never held that time of my life at fault for my dark habits,
so much more is at fault.
Although my recent episodes tell me maybe I need to go back to the start, Ive always avoided it. I’m exhausted of being here in this place of gloom and doom.

My eyes feel a flame, I should at least sleep since I don’t eat.
I tried ReAL HArD today not hate myself so, but it creeps, it seeps deeply at night but now its morning.