People call me/I call myself Lo.

I see myself as dependent, naive, soft, compassionate, articulate, intelligent, creative, analytical, volatile, short-tempered, flawed, clever, sophisticated, lazy, bored, gifted, artistic, funny, wounded, vulnerable, loving, beautiful, ugly, opinionated, educated, habitual, afraid, strong-willed, tender-hearted, sensitive, precocious, conflicted

If I thought you cared and you were listening, I would tell you i rarely let on the depths to which i am struggling, i am lying when i say i don’t regret the past 6 years because they have made me a better person (though they have), i hate being alone, it really hurts when you tell me that it is my fault that i am in this situation and/or that if i “really wanted to recover” i just would.

I am struggling with anorexia nervosa, which goes back and forth between the two subtypes – purging and non-purging; a body riddled with damage from the eating disorder – including a stomach that barely digests food and a mouth full of veneers to protect the teeth underneath that no longer have any enamel; anxiety; depression; individuating from my family into the 25 year adult i feel pressure to be and guilt for not being; ocd; perfectionism; a dysfunctional family system; limited resources

Something I have been keeping a secret is i have not been gaining weight like i’ve been telling my family; in fact, i am still at 77% of ideal body weight. most likely due to the fact that i drink half of a can of red bull cola during the day and one mixed drink at night. if i eat anything, (which i won’t, at least not before 9 pm) either i purge, or i eat from a very short list of food i feel comfortable consuming – immediately before i go to sleep at night. because it terrifies me to eat at any other time of the day and keep it down.

I am trying to think positive and something I’m good at is i am good at many things. here are some – writing – both original content and copy editing, languages, art, elaborate gift-wrapping, ad copywriting, math, test taking of all varieties – essay, multiple choice, standardized, school in general, articulating myself, helping others with eating disorder recovery, analyzing, instigating, motivating, encouraging, loving

I love my mom, my little sister, my dad, my best friends, laughter, the internet, frozen tropical drinks, new gas stations, staying in hotels, roller coasters, marlboro lights, thrift stores, photo booths and polaroids, catch phrase, scrabble, games in general, receiving emails, text messages, letters and packages, buying random gifts for people i love, wrapping all of the presents at christmas, affirmations, louise hay books… i love so much, i will stop here.

I want people to know more than i can express in this box. let’s pick an easy one – eating disorders are not a choice, a lifestyle, a habit, or a fad. eating disorders are complex, multi-faceted, deep-rooted life-threatening illnesses that arise as a combination of factors – genetic, cultural, experiential, environmental, etc. men and women who suffer from or struggle to recover from eating disorders are not inherently vapid. they are often incredibly intelligent, highly sensitive individuals and many of us want to get better just as much as you tell us to. it’s just hard. really. fucking. hard.