Periodically I will get a call from my mother with some bit of news that ranges anywhere from “I found your collection of things you found in old cellar holes” to “you know So-and-so, weren’t They in your class?  Well, they died.”  Or there is the very common “In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that ______ has A. fallen and needs a cast, B. gotten into immense trouble, C. been taken by ambulance, D. is going through great trauma or the ever popular E. has basically nothing wrong with them but “hi!”

My mother does this because I have four sisters and we live in four states.  There are 10 offspring between us.  My parents are divorced.  There are those of us with mental illness (check!), physical illness (check!), developmental problems, chronic risk factors (check!), jobs, no jobs, friends that are old (sorry Mom), and any other thing you can think of.  And my mother sometimes has to be the initial clearinghouse for information because either it happens to or near her or well, sometimes when you have a tummy ache you just want to call your mom.  If the tummy ache is bad enough your mom then has to call someone else so they can check in on you too.  That is a lucky situation when it works.

The thing is that somewhere along the way the lines got crossed and my mother started to lose track of who she had told what and when and because my sisters and I were growing older- we called her on it.  Thus was born the chronic abuse and fodder for sisterly laughter of  “In the interest of full disclosure…”  My mother will call to tell me all sorts of things that start that way and you never know how they will end.

“In the interest of full disclosure…because I don’t want to forget to tell somebody…I fell and broke my hand.”  Very, very serious.  She is a pianist and an author.

“In the interest of full disclosure…because I don’t want somebody to say I didn’t tell them… your Grandfather’s house had a mouse.”  And…?

“In the interest of full disclosure…don’t say I never tell you things…the ice cream stand is closing for the summer.”  That mattered when I rode a bike with a banana seat and stuffed dollar bills in my shoes but now I can get ice cream anywhere.  But she wants me to know.

“In the interest of full disclosure…we should all do something to help because your sister Miriam has been having a hard time and she needs all of us.” Okay- that was good and that was important a few years ago when I broke down after my daughter’s first birthday, succumbing to my secret and severe postpartum depression and re-activated PTSD.  I am sure she made those calls.  There was disclosure no one was ready for and I am sure some wished she was calling about a broken arm or a church fair catastrophe.  I am so grateful for that one and other calls I am confident she has made.  Some of them- I could do without.  I don’t mind knowing things I just don’t always like when they start with “in the interest of full disclosure.”  It has started to feel a bit loaded.

It has become a real sticking point in my head lately as I write here and when I get to writing at my blog.  Disclosure.  Full disclosure.  My blog doesn’t mention my craziness with any sincerity, nor does it reference that I write here.  Here I write openly and honestly but how much have I disclosed?  How much will I?  How much do you want to know and how will I know when I have hit on something that makes you eager for more disclosure?  How many times can I say disclosure before you stop reading??

Many of the contributors here are so free with their thoughts and I envy that some.  I want to just spew it all out and rid the pits of my stomach, heart and brain from the burden they have grown accustomed to carrying.  But I also want to use my name and share with a select few that I write here.  Do I want to share all of this with the PTA I just paid $25 to become a member of (Did I really do that?  What was I thinking?)?  No.  The guy at Starbucks who gives me free coffee because I gave him a few books I was done with and for once didn’t feel the need to covet- does he need access to my disclosure?  Neighbors I am finally getting to know after living on this street for 3 years?  Even my family?

I think I wrote some about this in my first post so I should stop now.  What I am really getting at is this:  My mom has a system that works but has flaws.  She works hard to remember to call everyone (or request a phone tree operation) and begin with “In the interest of full disclosure…” so we kind of know what is coming.  It means that I can keep up with some things I otherwise couldn’t.  It also means I sometimes know useless crap.  And I can never expect her to remember or be able to call with each incident or item worthy of disclosure, so I do miss things.  Despite my rational understanding though- I still get angry at her for not calling.

I need a system.  I need to know what I believe is best and most valuable to write about here.  Full disclosure isn’t necessary but I am guessing more disclosure could be a good thing.  As is always the issue for any writer: a crystal ball that let me see what everyone reading needed to connect with or wanted to get a view of would be helpful.

A few things I haven’t yet disclosed: *I know postpartum depression backwards and forwards (and would love to hear from anyone else who does- please comment or email) and yet still I want more babies.  *I am on Facebook but there are so many people from my youth who know me as being “sick” that I get stressed out just writing my status.  *I just created an amazing organic heirloom tomato and apple salsa and gave it all away but now people want the recipe and I don’t have one.  *I have blue eyes and can’t afford to fix my hair color which should be (and is about 3 inches down) a crazy rich red with blondish-goldish highlights at the crown.  It looks awesome when it is done and I never compliment myself so…good hair dresser.

In the interest of full disclosure- I sat down to “start” this post and never thought I could finish it without losing steam or getting distracted.  My iced latte now has no ice and I missed two calls.  Plus my feet are a little tingly from poor positioning…  Each word I write here is a form of disclosure because my name is attached and I picked the word.  I hope I am picking the right ones and trust that with time will come clarity.

“Human salvation demands the divine disclosure of truths surpassing reason.” – St . Thomas Aquinas