When you hear “schizo….” what do you think? Probably not me.

Guest post by Jennifer

“It’s been a long trip with little days in it, and no new places” ~Anne Sexton

It started when I thought I had been molested and blocked out the memories. This made sense when I read books on the subject, and talked to a therapist or two. It made so much sense, I had things I thought were “repressed memories” and I became completely sure that they were real. It made so much sense, I destroyed some familial relationships that have never been repaired completely since.

The first time I hallucinated, I thought there was a bat flying around my bedroom. Another night, a giant frog was on me.

The CIA didn’t start to follow me until a few years later. I thought I was followed by the mafia, the Masons, the CIA, the FBA, the NSA, and Satanic cults, and became convinced I had a connection to all these groups.

I saw the same color, everywhere I looked, some days. I’d see red-white-and-blue on everything from someone’s clothing to the paint on a wall. Everything. And I didn’t know I was hallucinating at all.

I heard the voices first as if they were from people behind a wall. I thought I was overhearing people in another apartment or room. Then I heard people tell me how I was going to die. All the time, every day, people were telling me I was going to die. They were telling me how horrible I was, how much they hated me, that I was worthless, and that I should be dead.

I came to believe on alternating days that I was Anne Frank, Jesus, and L. Ron Hubbard. During one hospital trip, there were three of us who believed we were God. “Hi, I’m God,” one said to me. And I thought, “What?? She is obviously confused,” as I was Jesus that day.

I thought Anderson Cooper was my husband and that we were part of the “Illuminati”, I thought that he talked to me directly when he spoke on TV. I heard him. I watched him. Everything was directed directly at me. I thought the same thing about Ani Difranco’s music. It gave me messages.

One time I went to New York City because song lyrics and voices told me to. I didn’t know anyone there. When I got there, the world was ending. People were being shipped off in trains to concentration camps because the Holocaust was still occurring. I took a bottle of pills in a hotel room and cut my leg open with a piece of glass, trying to get the implant out – you know, the one the CIA put there. I woke up in some hospital in New Jersey. They wanted to send me to the state hospital. My family saved me from that fate.

I’m better now. I work part time. I live alone, with my cat, and I have lived in the same spot for three years, which is a rare thing for me. I take my meds, every day, without fail. I get injections of an antipsychotic every other week, without fail.

But I still hear voices. You wouldn’t know it if you met me. You can’t always see psychosis.

Posted by leahpeah on August 27th, 2009
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4 Comments a “When you hear “schizo….” what do you think? Probably not me.”

  1. bad mummy says:

    Thank you for writing this. Last fall I started dating a man who turned out to be schizophrenic. Once I learned of his conspiracy theories, perchance for stalking, and grand tales, I had to end the relationship. I spent much time afterwards kicking myself for NOT seeing the signs earlier. I feel better knowing that it is not just me who doesn’t see the psychosis.

  2. moonflower says:

    this is an amazing post, thanks for writing it here.

  3. Harold says:

    When you see colors and such everywhere, is it always hallucination, or is it often a heightened sense of reality? That is, do the colors really stand out during those times but are not necessarily hallucinations?

  4. Jen says:

    Thanks for your comments, everyone.

    Harold, to answer your question:
    For me, when I saw the same color everywhere I think it was a very heightened sense of reality, and sometimes a hallucination. At times, I would focus on something like a bunch of people in a tour group in Washington DC wearing the same yellow t-shirt, and I would think there was significance to the color yellow. But at the same time, I would also see, for example, people dressed in red-white-and-blue everywhere I looked, and obviously that was not reality. I would hallucinate, but my mind would also place special significance on things that were just every day objects which would mean nothing to someone else. For example, seeing the American flag frequently was probably not a hallucination, but thinking that it was there because the Illuminati were taking over the world and this was a symbol which indicated that – well, that was my delusion taking over.

    I also saw some things which I still do not know how to explain. For example, I would see UPC symbol stickers on cars, and I saw them frequently, and I have no idea now if I was just noticing weird stickers on some cars, or if I was totally imagining the entire thing. I’ll probably never know for sure.

    Thanks for your question, it made me think about this.

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