A Long Winter’s Night
How do I differentiate between all the things that are ”wrong” with me? How do I know which symptom is causing what? I get so scared that this is it. This is as good as I am ever going to feel. Anxiety is the number one thing that has plaqued me since I was 12. I am on Paxil to help with that. I know if I go see my Regular doctor she will throw sedatives at me. My psychiatrist is gone for 10 days and has no back up. There seems to be no alternative when you are in crisis except the emergency room and wouldn’t THAT help. A possible 10 hour wait., unless I threaten to hurt myself. Which is not where I am. I am anxious, hypomanic too? I have no idea. IT feels like no combination of all the medication will take care of all the things that hurt so much. I am anxious and sad and scared. Scared because maybe this is it? Maybe no one can help me feel better. No drug, no therapist Why does it feel like it is getting worse and not better as we added the medication? Trial and error right? No one can really know what the perfect or near perfect cocktail will work for me. Perhaps it doesn’t exist? That is possible right? Maybe I just have to be sedated on a high dosage of benzodiazepines forever. Be a lifelong addict in order to not feel horrible so often. I love my child, but it was having my child that changed me. Not post-partum depression, but something propelled me from “just” anxious, depressed, OCD and ADD into bipolar 1. This site is a good one for Bipolar 1, by the way http://www.psycheducation.org/. Good information and links to other resources. There are mood charts on there and the fellow who runs the site seems very empathetic and kind.
I feel calmer now. Talking to people, on the interweb or on the phone seems to ground me when I am a ball of anxious-mania-what-the-hell-ever I am feeling. I will throw some more benzos at myself until I can see my psychiatrist again. I am 37, is this really the journey I will have my whole life?
September 21st, 2007 at 6:28 pm
oh boy, can I relate to what you’re saying. I’m 37 too and wonder- will happiness ever come easily, or will I struggle with this for the rest of my life? I’ve always thought of myself as a worrier, have been in therapy and on meds (paxil as well) for a while, and have generally considered myself depressed. However this year my therapist said that my diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder, and probably have been this way since oh, say, five years old or so.
I’ve been down in a hole for nearly a year, and I’ve been working SO HARD to climb back up. It freaks me out that I’m nearing on a year (with the last six months being particularly awful) without relief. My pdoc did just up my paxil, and thankfully I have had some relief. Things are much better, but I’m still quick to have physical symptoms of anxiety. She also gave me ativan and xanax, but I’m reluctant to take them constantly.
I’m glad you are feeling calmer now. I am so thankful to Leah and Jess for starting realmental.
September 21st, 2007 at 11:34 pm
It drives me NUTS that you can’t get immediate psych. care, and you’re right, the ER does NOT count. TEN DAYS? Not acceptable. I know you don’t need more stress, but man, I’d kick, scream, and holler about this “10 days with no backup” situation. It’s just inconceivable to me. I don’t know what we’d do if we had a crisis and no help available, and for us, 10 days might mean the difference between a “blip” and a full-blown episode from which it would take weeks to recover.
Dang. Well, we’re here, so call if you need to. I don’t know what else to say except we love you to bits.
September 22nd, 2007 at 9:30 am
I second Belinda. That’s so irresponsible, possible malpractice. The circle of thoughts of “is this anxiety, or anxiety about anxiety, or what?” is one I know well. Hope you can get some time to do something for your self that’s relaxing and takes you out of your regular milieu, just for the change of pace. The last time I had a horrible anxiety attack, my friends were gracious enough to let me cancel our date so I could drive up to my favorite beach with my favorite book, and sit there wrapped in a blanket (it was November) until I felt better.
Best wishes that this passes soon.
September 23rd, 2007 at 11:01 pm
xoxoxo
September 28th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
When I get really anxious, I try to live second by second for a few minutes. Listen to what’s going on around you as if you were watching it on television. Try to get a little distance from the internal. I don’t know if it will help you, but it helps me. Thinking of you.