I am mean to myself
i went to sleep very sad
i’ve waken up very sad
for this i am a jerk.
which in turn adds to this sadness

i wanna justify this by telling myself
“i got my period”
but that’s just not it

I weigh about 200 pounds and ive always hated to exercise… always –a month ago i lost my Dog ..well i had to put him down – i had him 13 years his name was Bandit- he was old and it was time but gosh its hit me so hard. if he was here everything would be fine -but hes not coming back.. ever… Bandit always loved me no matter what. and since i’ve always felt so unloved, that love that was undeniable…. to be gone from my daily life has left me in a very lost place.
i don’t take medication- even if professionals disagree with this. i am in that batch that refuses it .
i’ve started exercising. they always said its a natural way out of depression-
everyday i take a body sculpting class
i go for long walks an hour or so
it definitely is keeping the stress levels down
i think in 3 weeks my class ends
i fear where i will be mentally with out it

The same time i lost my dog, i was dating a very charming eloquent handsome man. i don’t really know what happened, maybe it was my need for emotional comfort, or maybe he was finding a way to push me away in the first place. either way some more love was taken and gone. he made me promise him that no matter what i’d always be in his life that i wouldn’t just disappear. i haven kept my promise – i feel its a very unfair one – because there’s no effort on his part to keep me in his life. so why bother with someone who seem to not wanna be bothered – right

i hurt today
its only 8:45 in the morning and i’m already crying
oh …. i say that like there’s a common crying time…silly

i don’t wanna go workout because i’ve got my period- but i’m so down – so low today – i probably should

it really does help
i’ve lost some weight too
i think i started for all the right reasons to improve my mental health, and now i’m getting thin which i’ve never been …so i remember this quote

” to get something you’ve never had you must do something you’ve never done”