Who You Are – Noreen
People call me/I call myself Noreen.
I see myself as a mom, first and foremost. But I feel like an impostor in someone else’s life. I know I am not a hypocrite at heart, but I can put on a smile all day long, be pleasant and agreeable with strangers and friends alike. But inside I feel inadequate, and like if someone finds out what I am “really” like they are in for a big surprise. I appear perfect and confident, when actually, I get angry and judgmental like everyone else. I am so sad about things from my childhood I can never let go of. The depression and anxiety is still seen by society as “mental illness” that’s taboo…she must be crazy.
If I thought you cared and you were listening, I would tell you I cannot and don’t think I want to ever get over the loss of my mother to suicide when I was 16 yrs old. She was 41. She was so beautiful as a person and I am sure I never really knew her. She was too detached to ever even talk to me. I believe losing her at that age is what more or less defines me as a person. I want to learn more and more about what her life must have been like.
I am struggling with I am selfish in one area that is difficult for many people to understand. You see I attended a walk a year & a half ago for “Out of the Darkness” for survivors of suicide. I understand the concept is so important that society needs to bring mental illness out of the closet. But when I wanted to get involved with support groups, everyone is hell bent on “prevention of suicide”. I have no energy for that. I am interested in “survivors groups.” I want to talk with others like me, that have been “left behind”. When I lost my mother, I lost my father too, so to speak. He went on with his life. Then the crazy games just kept on rolling in. The wicked stepmother, the family that wants to act like she never lived. The siblings that can’t understand why I cant just get over it. I figured out somehow how to be a good mother to my daughters. They love me and we are very close and functional despite all odds. One just graduated college and the other is finishing her freshman year. I have an empty nest, and of course here comes menopause. I’m a mess. I wish I could trust a therapist, it just seems so sad to me to have to pay someone to listen to me. And to put all this burden on a friend, who the few friends I have, have very busy lives. I feel like I am a whiner, and should just shake it off.
Something I have been keeping a secret is too many things, I am afraid to write them. Just suffice it to say my coping skills could be better.
Also, my daughter thinks I am still going to Mass every Sunday, although I cannot bear to go alone. And I can’t stand the priest. And I think many of the parishioners are phonies.
I am trying to think positive and something I’m good at is looking for answers, always trying to find ways to put things in perspective. And hanging on to the concept that everyday we really do get a brand new start. And bad moods really do go away. Even actual depression can be treated with proper care and I am living proof.
I love peace and quiet. My home in the country, feeding and watching the birds. My husband and daughters. Looking through old photo albums, and trunks of memorabilia, (going down memory lane), candles burning, fire in the fireplace, cheesecake.
I want people to know I am still learning my way around the computer, blogs etc..so if you are kind enough to respond to me, do it in a way that’s a no brainer for me. I visit this site often, and love to read what other people write. It helps me not to feel so alone. I know my life isn’t a mess now, its the very old stuff buried way down that has decided not to stay put.
May 16th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
I’m proud of you for posting something. You can do it, you can be yourself. Be what she couldn’t, be what you want. You can do it.
xoxo
May 17th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Noreen,
I enjoyed hearing you speak of your home, birds and menopause. I hope you have insurance and I would recommend finding a psychologist that can help you through this.
I wish you the best!
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:28 pm
thank you both for your comments. Moonflower, I am still out here :) i am happy you remember me. you have always been supportive and it means so much. I appreciate your wisdom more than you know. after your comment i had sort of an epiphany , (again!). i thought, if i am being honest i am already living a full life that my mother could not. and she wont be forgotten, because i wont forget her. my daughters love hearing about her so i know she will always live on. friend, take care xoxoxo
and LoCoMotive, thank you as well for your comment. I do have good insurance, but better than that i think i know just the person to help me. a young therapist who has a personal interest in survivors of suicide. i put off getting help b/c i feel like i am “not that bad off” But obviously, it just keeps coming back to the surface. Even if things dont resolve, i need to talk every single day if thats what it takes to keep me from spiraling to some place dark that i am afraid of. maybe you can relate, but i always fear that i could become “my mother” in the bad ways. i need an outsider looking in to help me work through it. thanks for your response and concern. take care :)
June 9th, 2009 at 2:11 am
I think I can relate to some of the things you say. I lost my sister to suicide a little over a year ago. We were very close as sisters. She never told me that she was thinking of suicide. We had talks over the years about suicide as our maternal grandmother chose that way out of this world. Also, our own mother had tried a few times, with no success. I am having such a hard time just getting to the point that I can act normal anymore. I miss her so much. I have been to psych docs in the past and am no on Luvox. I do not want to take it any longer. Seems like my libido is gone for good. And it doesn’t seem to be doing me any good at all. I have no friends. Dont want any, really. I have not been to church in 8 years. I do not like the preacher there. Lots of hypocrites. They are always asking for money. My inlaws go there and they ask me to go but I have no desire to go. Empty nesting now as kids are off to college and making their way in the world. My dh works out of town and we no longer seem to get along at all even when we do see each other. If I try to talk to him about how I really feel, I am reprimanded. “Just get over it.” Okayyyyyyy. Hmm, I really matter , don’t I. I know I have some depression. Anxiety. It is rampant in my maternal side of the family. I want to be better. I really do. My past weighs me down. I feel unworthy. I do not want to be told that I am on a “pity pot” because pity is not what I want or need. I need my sister but I know she is not coming back. I can’t afford to go talk to a therapist. And again, don’t really want to. Would prefer to just talk to others via this web site that I ran across to night. It sounds legit. In reading this post, it struck me when you said,”I always fear that I cold become my mother in the bad ways”. That is EXACTLY what my daughter told me that my sister said. Our mom was an alcoholic and abused prescription meds. It was horrible growing up in that home. We suffered because of it. Sorry for this long rambling rant. I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that there are others out there in the world who feel your pain. We carry some of the same burdens. It sucks as you well know. Maybe tomorrow when the sun comes up, it will be a brighter day. At least it is 24 more hrs. past and we are still alive!