I Had Nightmares
From Andrew
I had nightmares every night as far back as I can remember. I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 8. When I was younger, it was about monsters, and giants, and being separated from my family. When I went through middle school, it was all about my body, being raped, being abused. In highschool, they were all about my mother, her dying, her disowning me, her finding out my most secret secrets.
All this anxiety at night didn’t seem to fade much during the day. My mind was constantly running, “what if they see me”, “what if I look stupid”, “why are they laughing? are they laughing at me?”.
When I came to college, it started to wane. I’d only have nightmares every couple of weeks, and the rest of the time was dreamless as far as my waking mind was aware. My anxiety didn’t wane much, but it did start to. And now, as a sophomore, I rarely have nightmares at all.
My anxiety is getting worse, however, and they’re starting to come back. More and more I’m seeing images of shadowmen laughing, or stealing my family, and as much as DreamMe wants to fight, and as I much as I tell it to, it just curls in the corner and cries.
They feed into each other I think.
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:07 pm
andrew, i have nightmares too. sometimes its shocking to think my brain could even conjure up such things. it can be fascinating, but very frustrating and disturbing. Im curious, have you ever found any person, or writings to help you make sense of what some of the themes mean? the recurring ones must be for a reason. is your mother still living? do the dreams continue to trouble you during the waking hours? are there times you dont recall the nightmares, but then something during the day jars the memory.
I was once told last year, by a therapist that dreams arent really so hard to figure out. that they are pretty straightforward. For example, my own mother died from suicide 31 yrs ago when i was 16. STILL to this day, i have recurring dreams that she is alive somewhere, and i am looking for her, i just cant get to her. that she doesnt want to be found. when i wake up its definitley different from a “normal” dream. i feel like she has “visited” me. sometimes it brings me peace. anyhow, my point is, the therapist said…since she died so suddenly that i am still lookimg for her subconsciously, still trying to figure it all out. So i think it needs an outsider looking in. maybe another person can help you, someone who is trained to understand. i dont believe that dreams have NO meaning. if we can figure them out , even a little, then thats a place to start. i hope the best for you