It was a Sunday morning and I was sneaking out of the house. I was six and desperate to try out my older sister’s kite. I had to sneak because they wouldn’t let me play with it willingly.

My mom was in her bedroom sleeping so I had to be quiet.

I pulled a stool over to the front door in order to unlock the locks. I was terrified that I would wake my mom up.

All I wanted to do was to fly the kite. They never let me do anything. They were always bossing me around, not letting me do anything.

Once outside and trying to fly the kite, a man walked over to me. He asked if I needed help flying the kite.

Wow, I couldn’t believe my luck! I sure needed some help to fly the kite. I had no idea how to fly a kite so I was thankful this stranger was going to help me.

In hindsight, I felt like something was weird about him. Maybe it felt weird because I knew I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do.

After a short time, the man led me over to the side of a house. There were two cars parked end to end. He walked over and leaned on the back end of one of the cars.  He said, “since I helped you fly the kite; I need some help from you.” I was indebted to his kindness, and I thought that sounded fair.

He began to unzip his pants, and my heartbeat sped up a zillion beats. Something was wrong here, but I couldn’t pinpoint it and after all, he was an adult.

I am not supposed to talk back to adults. I am supposed to be seen and not heard. He pulled his privates out of his pants and held it.

He told me that he wanted me to hold it. I froze. I dropped the kite and ran home. It was that slow motion running, the kind that seems you will never get to your destination.

Once on the carport, I opened the green door and closed it. Then climbed on the stool and locked all the locks and ran into my room.

It would be a little while before I realized that I dropped the kite. I was going to get in serious trouble for losing that kite. Maybe I could just act as if I had no idea what happened to the kite, maybe it just disappeared or something. Yes, that’s a plan.
My mother heard me come back in the house and wanted to know where I’d been. She said I looked like I’d seen a ghost.

I told her what happened and later when my dad got home, Mom told him about it. I got into trouble for the kite situation.

My dad packed my sisters and me in the car and went looking for Mr. helpful. We found him standing on a street corner holding a bible. Dad stopped the car, and got out. He told Mr. helpful that he had better believe in that book he was holding because if he ever came near any of us again he was going to need that book.

I was in shock at the time and unable to retain any information. The only reason I remember what my dad did is because my sisters told me.

Things like this continued to happen to me, and I never told anyone. Not sure why, perhaps I thought it was my fault and it served me right.

This is a problem, children thinking perversion and abuse is their fault. In order to protect myself and not make people do bad things, I tried to be invisible. I was invisible for many years.

I covered up with clothing. To this day, I can go into a panic when trying to decide what to wear.

There are a few behavior patterns that were implanted on this day. Abnormal fear of making mistakes, not trusting myself which led to “checking” behavior (OCD), do not under any circumstances ask for help, or receive it.

The effects of abuse will always be a part of who I am.

My job is to not let it take me over.