crane wife
I am going to say it. I am so scared of these words.
I am manic. I am in a manic episode. I am acting irrationally. I have been high of energy, high of life, happy.
Too happy.
It hurts my heart so much to say these words. I thought i was better. I thought i was recovering from my suicide attempt. I thought things would be better.
But.
But, the mania? The mania is almost as bad. I know i am doing dumb things. I know i am being selfish. I know i am being a bad mother. Drinking too much. Staying up too late. Losing weight too fast. Having too much fun.
I watch myself. From the outside. I know what is happening. But i can’t control it. I am about to walk out on my marriage. And i don’t care. I don’t care. How can i say those words?
Fifteen years. Four children.
I have been unhappy for so long. I am unhappy. This didn’t come from nothing.
I want to know who i am. I want to be free from all the pressure of having a spouse who knows me so well. I want to leave.
Is everybody who is crazy this self-aware?
September 1st, 2007 at 5:57 am
Honestly, I find it fake self-awareness. Totally not the time to make any decisions. It sucks. I know. I wish I could help bring some calm.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:55 am
Jess,
Oh Jess. It’s hard….the neverending debilitating type of hard. Bi-polar. Seems weird that word…hardly does the nature of the disease any justice.
Walking out of the marriage….the need to be free…do you know that that is the mania? Because it really is. Please try not to make any huge decisions until the energy has subsided.
I want to know who I am too….and yes this crazy person is definitely self aware…too much so at times.
Hugs to you and don’t give up, on you on your life, on your strength and abilities. This too shall pass.
September 1st, 2007 at 1:11 pm
The comment above me is spot on correct… I walked out of my marriage during a manic episode, and I have regretted it in every day of the 15 months since.
The crazy self-aware is a curse, I think. We know what’s wrong with us and we can analyze it to the nth degree, but we can’t change it, or we think we can’t, which is really just as bad.
Bipolar is very hard, harder than most people ever realize. It’s living every day in the vice grip of your ever-cycling moods and always feeling like you’re fighting yourself… no don’t be depressed, no don’t be manic, no don’t take all those pills and chase them with vodka, no don’t cut yourself to make it stop… no.
Much love to you Jess. I don’t know you, but I understand you, and I think about you. Fight it. Don’t let the mania take over. Breathe deep. It will pass, promise.
September 1st, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Oh Jess, don’t re-act to the racing thoughts and hard times. Hold on for the middle where depression nor mania are feeding your fears. Where reality is closer to real.
I know that it feels like you are super aware, but Jen is right – its fake self-awareness. Don’t give in to it.
You are in my prayers.
September 1st, 2007 at 4:30 pm
… “Am I who I am when I am at my worst?”
I hope not. I doubt you are either.
September 2nd, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Focus on getting the mania stopped. THEN think about things. Please. For YOU.
September 3rd, 2007 at 10:24 am
The only thing I can (inaccurately?) compare it to is the highs I felt through drinking alcoholically, which I haven’t been doing for several years now. But those feelings felt more real than anything. I can almost still taste them now. But those feelings are not me. Best thoughts for me. Do nothing. Do nothing. Wait for it to end, get help, and in the mean time, do nothing.
September 3rd, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I hope you’re able to find a professional who can help you with meds and coping (maybe you already have). These cycles must be torture.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:21 am
I could have written this. Hell i’m still living it, silently.
Every day I think about leaving them all, physically, and totally.
Every day I promise myself I won’t.
Every night I drink too much. Often I get sitters and go out and party too hard. Every day I “forget” to eat.
I don’t have answers, but you aren’t alone.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:52 am
this was a couple of weeks ago. how are you?
this is the first post on here that’s made me cry. i hope you didn’t leave them. if you want to go, then you decide to go, don’t the mania decide for you – it would love that. just think how triumphant it would be. think of it’s smug bastard face. make your own decisions, don’t listen to it.
October 5th, 2007 at 7:10 am
Jess, now that I’ve found you here, I am a bit more concerned than I was when I just “knew” you from your other blog. It’s a long time since this last post, and you seem pretty alone. Just know that I’m thinking of you. That doesn’t help much, I’m sure, but know that there’s one heart out there beating with you in mind.
January 17th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Finally. I finally found a blog with people who have felt how I felt. Who freely self medicate in the throes of mania. The mania for me is so much worse than the depression as that is where I cause the most damage. Yet no one sees. They only ever see what I want them to see.