Republished from A Woman Scorned, July 2007.

Bittersweet.

That’s the taste in my mouth as I realize the long-term effect of personal transparency.

In my first ministry I saw the sins of omission and lies nearly collapse an entire church. I thought that the only thing that can bring you down is the secrets you keep. When I left there and came to my current employer, I vowed to speak the truth and be as transparent as one can be.

So I have practiced my beliefs and never hid anything about my mental illness from my employer, co-workers, family and friends. Throughout my entire life I have battled depression. My first serious episode was when I was 9. My last serious episode was over 10 years ago. Of course, there have been smaller episodes throughout my life, but they are managed by counseling, medication and occasionally taking a mental health day. I make no secret of it and often joke about it. Sometimes, when I am overly emotional, I know that my depression has contributed to me being emotional, angry, loud or hurt. The only thing I can do is apologize and try to compensate or minimize the impact. I thought I had earned the respect of my co-workers, family and friends by the way I manage my illness.

I was wrong. I recently discovered that the opposite is true. Some of these people have judged me based on the abnormal behaviors observed and discounted the normal behaviors completely boxing me in to a ‘crazy lady’ status. This isn’t totally surprising but it is disappointing.

Did you know that until 1994, employers were allowed to ask about treatment for mental illness on an job application but not about other physical illnesses? Until 1999, the California insurance companies weren’t required to cover the expenses for mental illness because they weren’t considered physiological illnesses. Now we all know better, right? Although the cause of mental illness can come from a variety of sources (biological, psychological, or environmental), the treatment is often pharmaceutical in combination with therapy.

People with mental illnesses have made significant and profound contributions to our world; a few of the well known are: *Paula Abdul, John Quincy Adams, Lionel Aldridge, Buzz Aldrin, Drew Barrymore, Kim Basinger, Justine Bateman, Ned Beatty, Irving Berlin, Leonard Bernstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Steve Blass, Robert Boorstin, Art Buchwald, .. (100’s more in the C through U headings) .. Jean-Claude Van Damme, Vincent van Gogh, Ben Vereen, Queen Victoria, Kurt Vonnegut, Mike Wallace, Damon Wayans, Ricky Williams, Robin Williams, Tennessee Williams, Brian Wilson, Frank Lloyd Wright, Tammy Wynette, Boris Yeltzin and Robert Young.

Now that I know that some discounted me because of my illness, it makes me question the value of transparency. Should I have kept it secret so that it couldn’t be held against me? Is my reputation and contribution worthless because of my transparency?

And knowing I am being judged: Will it only be after my death that my contributions will be appreciated or respected (no, I am not assuming that I of the caliber of those on the list above)? Do I succumb to the devil in the disease that says, “They will never trust you. They will never believe you are capable. They will always discount you because of your mental illness”?

The answer is ..and pardon my choice of words.. no f**king way! I am a child of God. Unique and wonderfully made. My life has purpose and meaning with or without your approval. By being transparent I have lived out my values and honestly, have no regrets for it.

One thing will change – those who wish to continue to box me in know this: it is not acceptable. I may not be Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill or Robin Williams (and neither are you), but I am a contributing member of society (just like you).

For those of you feeling like you might be one of “those” people in my life – you probably aren’t. The ones who are “those” people won’t have their eyes opened by this rant. Thanks for listening.

Wendy Johnson
San Diego, CA

Republished from A Woman Scorned, July 2007.