Today was the first day of school. Over the past few weeks, my kids went shopping for new clothes, for backpacks and pencils and other supplies. They filled out all their paperwork and went to orientation and got nervous and met all their new teachers. And this morning, they got up, went to their classes, reconnected with all their friends and then came home and decompressed, sharing what happened and turning in lists of supplies that they didn’t even know they needed. And all of that was done without me.

I feel like I’m dying inside. Every time I know that something is happening and there is no place for me, I shrivel a little more. Yes, I know they are just at this age. And yes, I know it’s totally normal for them to be separating from their parents. But in the small amount of time they are willing to share, I am not included.

This hurts more than anything I can recall. And I gotta tell you, I’ve been through some pretty rough things. I know that someday, things are going to work out and there will be some place for me in their lives. My job is to be patient until that happens. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

My goal is to prepare like they have for school. I need to prepare to have a life without them in it the way I imagined. I need to find a full-time job, get busy and not sit around waiting and wishing they would want to come over and spend time with me. I need to get passionate about something that earns money and makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. But mostly, I think I need to put some distance between me and them, which is so ironic after all I’ve done to get this close.

They know I’m sitting over here, thinking about them over there, and wishing they would come over. How icky is that? To feel guilty that your mom wishes you’d come over to her house but you don’t want to? I think if I can think of them how people think of their kids when they move away to college, that would be more healthy. Only, I need to be the one to move away, physically at first and them maybe just emotionally. Not love them less, just with less strings attached.

This is one of those things that will get figured out in time. Now, we just need the time.