I am becoming redundant redundant redundant
I fear that no one wants to read my blog anymore. I am not scared of losing traffic, well, I guess I am afraid of losing readers because I need them. Right now, I need them. I decided to cross post a version of a post I had on my “regular” blog post because I don’t think people know what to comment or say to me anymore. I feel like a car accident, where people crane there heads to see, but don’t stop to help. I hope this is ok
——-> snip
I am kind of anti-social. I know, those who have met me are calling bullshit, but really I am. It certainly became more so when I left my office job where there were lots of people. Worse after baby (when I left said office), worse as time wore on during the horrible winter when I had a newborn, more and more, retreating into the interwebs, which hasn’t been a bad thing. Bipolar diagnosis, depression, hypomania, sleeping more, hiding from peoples. Or at least hiding from people I know.
I manage to come out to BlogHer, and visit people, sometimes not all that successfully as I believe I have fucked up a couple of relationships there too. Perhaps better I stay in this house, choosing a new bed (we have no bed), deciding to put up curtains (to make the bedroom darker), finally putting some fucking pictures on the wall. I also really need to transplant those hostas before the snow.
I dunno, this is all to tell you that going off of Effexor and on to Cymbalta prompted a little hypomania episode to be followed by a most excellent depressive one, which I am enjoying right now. Hypomania sounds all fun to some people, and in some literature. It isn’t. There are brief moments of chatty cathy and HAPPY but then irritability, impatience, anxiety, then, finally dull depression. Hopefully for not too long. I don’t know if the new drug will quell some of the anxiety and sit on the depression a bit, but fuck this gets old. You know? Since I have been 18, 20 years of medication changes, disorder changes, diagnosis changes, constantly altering. Occasionally feeling really optimistic about new drug(s), then let down and hopeless I will ever feel anything other than THIS. Ever be anyone other than THIS. Ever be anyone who doesn’t talk about THIS or THAT. Tedious, for me and you and friends and family. Where my spouse is afraid to take a small trip and leave me alone, it breaks my heart. Sure this is crap for me, but I want to hold my tongue more, especially amongst family and friends I encounter frequently. I feel like you all like me no matter what. Perhaps YOU ALL are nuts too. :-)
Credit card bills are coming in from the hypomania, even though I insisted to my shrink I shop ALL the time, not just when I AM! SO! UP! -ish. Right now all I can think of it going to bed. Nursing my head and my recently buggered knee (again), something else wrong. Icing my knee and drinking diet pepsi for my brain? Trying to avoid graze-binge, trying to avoid being such a problem child, now adult. But avoiding. Phone calls, emails, you know. The cat judges me in more silence than I judge myself. Even when he puked on the rug an hour ago, it wasn’t because he thinks I am crazy.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I don’t know you very well- just from what you’ve posted here in the past, and on bipolarlawyercook’s blog- but I wanted to tell you that I have been holding you in my heart since I first ‘met’ you online. I’m sorry- for the struggle, the enormity, and never-endingness of it.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
You know what? I struggle with all the same things and I don’t have diagnosed psychological issues. I say all that not to be snotty, but to let you know that it’s OK. Lots of this stuff you’re worrying about worrying about is stuff we all worry about. That doesn’t make you crazy. On the contrary, it makes you normal!
September 11th, 2008 at 8:03 am
I do drive by every now and then to check on you. I’d stop to help if I knew how. There are so many of us who want to help, but we’re too far away to hug you, to drive you to the doctor, to make sure you’re taking your meds, too unfamiliar with your illness to be effective. I’m afraid I’d do more harm than good just by opening my mouth. But we’re here for you. We want you to win.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I check in on you all the time, but I have no idea what to say so I lurk. I’ve lurked for a couple of years now. I’m crippled by my own social anxiety issues and always feel like anything I have to say will have been said already or won’t be good enough. Good enough for what, I have no idea.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
I lurk too. I’m bipolar too and feel so alone sometimes. Reading your blog reassures me so much. I know I am not alone
October 15th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I keep trying to get to a point where I can function from day to day without worrying about “everything”
I have gotten so bad that I don’t even see my daughter and infant grandson.
I never know how I am going to be from one day to the next.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
oh my, you break my heart because you really want to get better. i know about those people in your life(our lives) that cant understand why we just cant “suck it up”. I have heard that so many times i could vomit.. do they not know that we would do anything NOT to live this way and feel this way?? Any consolation to you is that you are NOT alone, and NOT necessarily “crazy”..ok its just my opinion, but “crazy” would be if you thought all those feelings were normal and not in need of improvement. it is OK to feel what we feel, we dont really have a choice there. things can get better. its too bad the meds that can help so much also come with such side effects that we can seldom wait them out, to be sure if its really the right med for us. I want to offer you help and not make matters worse; as trite as it sounds take one day at a time, be happy in any small thing that goes well, looks pretty, feels nice, smells good, you know, “the little things”. and take it easy on yourself if you possibly can..you are doing the best you can do with where you are right now..surround yourself with positive uplifting writings, supports wherever you can find it. a little can go a long way. and really truly all you can do is live a day at a time. Hang in there, PS, I swear by this one..if you can muster the energy, I promise you will feel better doing the very simplist thing in the world. If you can get away even for 15 minutes, tomorrow is probably going to be sunshine EVERYWHERE..a walk will get energy going and there is absolutely something therapeutic about daylight and good ole sunshine and fresh air. HUGS..I will check in on you..oh one more thing..FYI, I really am a nurse and know a little about antidepressants too..you may know a huge amount too just by reading up on everything they throw our way, but some antidepressants can cause awful anxiety as a side effect, like you are crawling out of your skin..Less is more, a low dose to begin with can often help. I am sure you have an professional that knows you well, but thats just my two cents from personal and prof experience…take care