Plateau
In geography class, we learned that a plateau is a geologic formation, with a flat top and often, sheer or highly-angled slopes supporting it. It’s easy to recognize when you’re looking at pictures, or approaching one on a hike through the desert.
In psychiatry’s life class, I learned that it’s what they call it when you’ve reached your maximum efficacy on the dosage you’re taking, and it’s time to go up. The problem is that psychiatric plateaus are not obvious. You know the lift from the desert of depression to the top, the stable flat line you can walk for a while, not tripping and stumbling as on your climb to the top. You don’t realize you’ve reached the end, until you start sliding down the psychiatric plateau’s more gently sloped sides, until you’re halfway down, and then you have to stop yourself, skidding on the rocks and dirt, before flipping yourself over, and climb your way back up, sometimes on hands and knees.
I’ve been climbing my way back to the top, hands and knees scratched and bloody, head pounding and breath shaky from the screeching halt I’ve pulled myself to, and the flat top is once again in sight. But I’m tired of sliding, and each time I slide I berate myself for not learning, yet, my internal geography, for not knowing the edges of my equilibrium, my flat surfaces, and for not knowing that the plateau doesn’t go on forever in my head, as it does not in nature. Those mental plateaus, they surprise you, in a way the physical ones don’t.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I think of you often and am always hoping you’re doing well. Take care of yourself.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Thinking of you. Be gentle with yourself.
XOXOXO
August 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
balance and equilibrium surely do exist in nature, but they are so difficult to achieve. I tell myself that it would be a boring life to always feel the same way, but sometimes it would be nice to stop the fairground ride…
August 18th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You have higher and lower plateaus and longer and shorter slides. Sometimes, your plateaus are like wide open spaces and sometimes they are only as big as a piece of lawn. A lot depends on how well balanced your medication is and how well you know yourself, but then there is the imperfection of life that throws you a curve ball when you don’t expect it. There is nothing better than just a plain ordinary day, is there?
August 19th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Something about this summer just ain’t good. Thinking of you…
August 20th, 2008 at 8:52 am
I have been wondering about you. It’s a relief to hear from you. Don’t berate yourself – this isn’t easy. Good luck and best wishes.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
thinking about you and missing u girl. Take care. I am around if you ever need to chat. xo
August 24th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I wrote a post about what I learned about this, if you’re interested. And it’s fine if not; I most certainly understand.
Thinking about you,
JM
August 25th, 2008 at 11:52 am
excellent description, i’m feeling very much like this and i get so tired of it. very, very tired of it.
September 6th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I’ve been into this the past weeks…I’m reading this and re-reading…still not sure if I’m over this phase or still sliding up down…
September 10th, 2008 at 3:08 am
The plateaus scare me to death and the “ok, it really isn’t working now. What now?” is terrifying. I almost wish I could video tape myself to watch those slides. ALMOST, perhaps with hair and makeup. I wish you always, love and good climbing.
jenB
September 11th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Hi. I was a little worried for a while. Good to hear from you.