I had therapy this week and, it was intense. One of those sessions in which you regress and experience deep emotions that are under lock and key.

My therapist is very good at stopping me when I hit one of those points and encouraging me to feel and experience the moment. My preference is to just glide right by those icky bits.

I always wonder why I resist this, getting to the other side of the pool of tears? I still resist that process over and over when I know it is what helps get me safely to shore.

This particular trip, brought about by me beginning to cry about a memory. Then I told him there was a voice in my head screaming.

I told him, there is a voice telling me to shut up and quit being a baby.

He asked, “who’s voice is it”?

I said, “mine own” or, “maybe not mine, maybe hers”.

He said, “yes, I am guessing it is her voice you are hearing. Why shouldn’t you cry when you feel pain?”

Because it is a waste of time and nothing gets solved by crying.

While in the zone of regression, I cannot make eye contact with my therapist. If I do, I will lose sight of the process and the little one will go back into hiding.

I begin to sob, painful, deep sobs. I ask aloud, “why did you hate me so much, why do you hurt me?” I was just a little kid that had no idea what was going on or what I’d done to cause your rejection of me. She hurt me.

There are people that always ask why it is necessary to re-experience your history. This is the reason it is important, to release those trapped emotions that you were not allowed to experience at the time the damage was inflicted. My guess is that our brains go into defense mode in order to move past the experience not realizing that they get trapped in there.

My biggest reason for doing this kind of work is to set that pain free. I do not regress in ever session, I’m not sure I could handle it, the payoff is usually an insight that allows me to connect the dots.

It drains me emotionally for the rest of the day, I compare it to a car accident with internal bruises.