Over the past two weeks, I’ve received a new round of Doctor’s appointments and physical exams. This post relates to the Hormone Therapy Seminar that I attended over a month ago. I had good intentions to jump right into it and get tested, but I put it off. A very bad habit of mine, to put these “things” last as Doctor visits tend to mess up my schedule and doesn’t give me the feeling of having accomplished anything.

As I typed that, it sounded silly. I know that taking care of your person is an important accomplishment. Perhaps it doesn’t contribute to the family unit or for the betterment of humanity. Whatever.

The first appointment would be an hour with the Hormone lady (one who conducted the seminar), and then a consultation with the general practitioner in the same office to perform a blood letting and schedule a physical. I was sent home with a saliva test kit to be completed on 5.19.08 and then mailed away to the scientists for results.

The first follow-up appointment confirmed that I do indeed have a thyroid malfunction, a slight cholesterol issue that can be corrected with the right diet and exercise. Other than that, I am very healthy. This is always surprising to me, that I am physically healthy. I left with a prescription for armour thyroid, and another appointment.

Two days later, I go back for the four vials of blood letting for food allergy testing. Once those results are in, they’ll call me for another appointment.

I’m not sure how I feel about the thyroid issue, part of me wants to be glad that there is a scientific explanation for lots and lots of very odd behavior that I’ve had over the past year. It’s not like I enjoyed thinking I was just a huge waste of space, that I just wasn’t trying hard enough.

It will eventually sink in, part of me is relieved that I have a physical issue that is the culprit for not being able to “just snap out of it”.

Having this knowledge, I was able to follow the physical reaction my body had from a simple phone call from our lawyer to schedule an appointment for Tuesday. We have a court hearing scheduled for Wednesday, but the docket isn’t anything huge (compared to the major issue we are anticipating). The way my body reacted, you would have thought I was about to be murdered.

It started with heart palpitations, trembling, heart racing, and sweating. Panic attack, right? Then I got weak in the knees, all my energy sucked right out of me. (Originally, I’d had big plans for the day that consisted of getting stuff done.) My thinking got fuzzy, everything around me got bigger and I got smaller. Even email became too much of a task for me to perform.

This has been going on for months. Months, maybe even a year or two with a gradual increase in weird, unexplained symptoms. I’ve wondered why I couldn’t keep some things straight, often confused about certain details, and unable to show up anywhere on time. I’ve made so many apologies for just being out of it to friends and family, I have wondered how long it would take for them to just give up on me.

I am trying not to put too much into this one physical issue, it is important for me to take responsibility. In fact, I lean on the “too rigid” side too much of the time.

I’ll have two more follow-up appointments for the food allergy and the hormone tests, I’m hoping that if there are any issues, it’ll be easily controlled or regulated. I have a small piece of hope that the spinning of my wheels over the past couple of years will allow me to find my own balance. I’ve been missing my balance, tending to self harm (mentally) instead of wondering if maybe something were physically wrong with me.

I sure hope the thyroid kicks back in quickly. I have stuff to do.