Resentments
My meeting tonight was about forgiveness and the other side of it, resentment.
I’ve been taught in recovery that if I resent someone, in order to release the resentment I must pray for that person. Even if I do not mean it, which sounds a little like “god bless that stupid cow”.
Praying for another person that I resented was very foreign to me in the beginning and I hated it. Sometimes even now my resentments seem justified enough so that I can sit out on that whole praying thing. And then I’m reminded that I will be the one who suffers.
I have learned that a good way to not get a resentment in the first place, is to not have any expectations of other people or situations. Better yet, to not get attached to an outcome for any situation.
As a recovering alcoholic, resentment is my number one offender. If I hold on to a resentment, it makes me sick inside and could eventually lead back to active addiction. Because of this, it is extremely important to me to always try and keep my side of the street honorable. (I’d like for you to believe this is due to me being a good person, but in reality, it’s a matter of life and death for me.)
As the topic was carried around the room, and each person added their pieces I began to have a very clear thought about resentments.
People build their lives around the resentments and their anger. Resentments keep you from being your true self, they suffocate you, and somewhere buried in there they comfort you. (Note: using “you” in this context figuratively.)
It dawned on me that part of who I am is made up of my resentments. The thought of them actually being a comfort to me, I wondered why I would choose to hang on to them.
All I could come up with was, “they are MINE goddammit”. They have served me.
As I continued to listen to people share, I pondered this aspect of resentments, and created an exercise for myself to do later. The exercise would be to treat my resentment as a pair of lenses. I
would put the glasses of resentment on, and take note of the things I saw or experienced. Not just feelings, but actual scenes that I’ve created in my own head that feed the resentment monster.
My hope is that by seeing these more clearly through the resentment glasses, I may be able to let them go on a new level and gain more insight. And, to let go of those layers that no longer serve me in a positive way.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
This is a wonderful way of looking at this. “They are MINE” strikes such a chord, too. I think of my resentments as valid responses to wounding interactions– and ways of validating my own experience of being hurt by people who might never be willing or able to recognize or atone for that hurt. But stuffing them down to “shelter” them and presumably me doesn’t work. You’re right. Hauling them out and trying them on for size may well show that the original prescription no longer works, and that what I see now is a different view, if not a distorted angle. Thanks again for sharing this.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Don’t forget to forgive yourself if you haven’t already. That was a tough one for me but it’s very freeing if you can mange it.
May 17th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
you have shown me that I have a little work to do there. I seem to spend a lot of time blaming other people for situations which I have helped to create. I’m not sure who I would be if I threw all that away though. Wouldnt it mean that I would have to blame myself for everything? Now that is not a pleasing prospect either…
I’ll try out the letting go and forgiveness.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Because you’ve claimed ownership of your lenses, you’re in charge of them now. This gives you the chance to decide to put them on or take them off. That gives you a little more power in your life. Thanks for sharing another step in your healing journey. I hope we get to hear about how your experiment turns out.
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:13 am
You’ve been featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/05/five-star-friday-edition-7.html
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
thanks for this. i always have to keep things like this at the forefront of my mind– don’t resent, don’t have expectations, or get too attached.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
[…] Resentments are a huge danger, the whole issue of relationships are precarious. I am of the belief that our relationships with other people are the hardest thing that we’ll ever experience as we roam this life. I’ve written before on this topic, you can read that here. […]