I watched a movie recently called “The Departed”.

There was an exchange of dialog that really struck a chord within me, this is the exchange:

Jack N. character: How’s your Mother?

Irish Man: Ah, she’s on her way out.

Jack N. character: We all are, act accordingly.

Just a few simple words to bring me to the precious present, “act accordingly”.

Act Accordingly.

How many of us that try to escape the monotony of life with things? We fill our closets with things, we fill our pantries, our cars, our bodies, our whole houses and our garages with things. Some how, along the way we get the message that things are what we need in order to feel better.

I have been just as guilty as the next human to always try and reach outside of my own space in order to find the thing that would placate me, give me the feeling of being loved and supported, and pretty. I did this with alcohol and drugs.

When I was high, I felt prettier, smarter, and completely free in a very ethereal way. I was Wonder Woman that could overcome any obstacle that dared to get in my way. When drunk I would start fights with grown men that were much bigger than I.

My desire to accumulate was not out of jealousy or to covet others’ perceived happiness and success. My desire came from the extreme need to not feel the pain. I would do whatever it took to not feel my pain. This desire was so strong I would take other people’s medication if they offered it, and sometimes when they didn’t. I would ingest anything that I thought would stop the pain.

Lucky for me, I made it into recovery and I have 16 years of continuous sobriety. How does one who started out so badly find a way to recovery? Not only find it but stay there? Especially when I had certain family members telling me that I didn’t have a problem. My close friends at the time knew all too well that I had a problem. Denial is so strong that it will cause other people to talk you out of it so that they can continue down their own addiction paths. How dare you attempt happiness when they are not ready yet?

Around the four year mark in sobriety, I started cleaning house. Literally, getting rid of things, possessions that no longer served me. It was a process that started between my ears, and eventually made it’s way to my surroundings. Prior to this, I was a pack rat and saved everything afraid to let anything go as if these were the very things that held me together.

By letting go, I gained a million times in spirit and love that I never would have been able to achieve in my addiction. In fact, everything that my heart desired came to me in sobriety, not in my active addiction. I was unable to feel joy due to my extreme need to push the pain down.

Newly sober I thought by stopping the chemicals and attending meetings my life would be over at 21. The fun of puking in public places, stripping in a crowd, stealing, and not remembering how I’d gotten home were things I thought I would miss.

I can honestly say that at 39 years old, I try each day to act accordingly.  Some days I miss the mark because I am human, but I keep on trying just in case this day will be my last.