feeling lost, and bottomless with no one to catch me.

want to run yet too old now, to think it would do any good.

empty, alone, sad, emotional.

wondering why things happen the way they do.

looking for the break that i believe i am entitled to, even though i know

i am not actually entitled to anything.

don’t want to repeat “sins of the father”,

of being everyone’s support.

old habits are hard to let go of,

holding things in because it is easier that way.

too hard to struggle.

not regretting my age, yet missing my youth to wonder if i would make

different choices.

knowing that all of the choices that led me to where i am

are all a part of a bigger plan.

a plan that i hope my higher self is in charge of.

loving lots of people, feeling emotions very deeply,

wanting to drop in and sprinkle magical fairy dust and then leave.

i question if i was built to be a “staying person” or rather someone

who can only flit here and there with no permanent residence.

i love too deeply, too much, i’m too sensitive, too complicated,

too me.

no one promises that we will be happy, that is a false illusion created by

the likes of walt disney.

i just want peace, serenity, and calm

but not every minute of every day.

perhaps i could store it in the closet on the top shelf and bring it out when

it is most needed.

if only i were not an addict, perhaps that could work.

a higher voice tells me that everything really is ok and not to worry

enjoy each as if it were my last.

that is how my dad tried to live his life, i miss him so much sometimes i

fear i will become invisible with sorrow.

he always knew the right thing to say, or perhaps he is the only one that i

actually “allowed” to say the right thing and be comforted by him.

the trust issues,

of them,

i have many.

my higher self is protecting me from harm

it is important that i experience the emotions

in order to break on through to the

other side.

perhaps i have channeled morrison.