By Michelle

Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder is what I have been told for the last 9 years and I believe the Doctors. What does this mean to who I am and what my life is? I do not care what it is called. I have spent many years trying to define it and understand it in black and white. I have found that it is impossible to define as it changes daily.

I was first diagnosed with situational depression, but I realize depression, the anxiety, has always been there. Looking back to when I was a teen, I can easily see it now. But no one talked about it then.

Now I feel strongly about it. Everyone has something and my something is this. If I am afraid of it, others will be too. If I shy away from it, others will shy away from me. I need to be strong and I need to write (and take meds and see a therapist) to be strong. I need to keep believing that none of this makes me a bad or lesser person. I love the days when I can actually convince myself of this.

The whole decision to have a baby has brought thoughts about this to the foreground again for me. Having a baby is something that I want more than anything (ok so forget about the part when I was so scared I thought I did not want kids) and yet I am scared to death, but I cannot let my fears define me. If we do, it wins and I lose. So I write.

Please don’t get me wrong. I have my bad days, weeks and even longer when the depression just gets me, and yes sometimes it wins. I truly believe that my depression in a chemical imbalance and I believe that for long term depression sufferers that this is at least partly the case for most of us.

I have to believe that somehow I will be able to come off the meds I need to during my pregnancy and be OK. At the moment I am tackling it all with the positive approach – I CAN DO THIS. We’ll see how that goes when I actually have to come off the meds in a month. I have a good team of doctors both medical (OB/GYN, Endocrinologist and Diabetes Nurse Practitioner). I also have a darn good a psychiatrist that I have been with for 7 years. I want to try and be med free for my pregnancy. If it is not meant to be and I need to be on an anti-depressant when I am pregnant, no I will not be happy about it, but I will do it and I will do it as safely as possible. Depression can post its own set of risks to an unborn baby and I don’t want that either.

Through all of this I have questioned myself and who I am more than ever before in my life. Can I add “mother” to the list of who I am? I am Michelle – daughter, wife, educational technology project manager, compassionate, giving, self-sacrificing for those who I believe are worth it. I am a reader and writer, a dog lover and a cancer survivor.

I am also someone who HAS depression and anxiety but those two things are not who I am, they are something I have, just like I have diabetes. Both pose risks to the whole baby thing but what worries me the most is the “after the baby is born part” (if we get that far). I do not want to be one of those mothers who always “is resting”. I fear that I will fall short of being a good mother because the anxiety and depression will get in the way.

But I have to believe. We all have to believe that we can do it – overcome the fear of whatever own “IT” – whatever that “IT” is – it is not us, just a part of us and we have to not let the fear win.

Previously posted here.