Update to “Deja Vu All Over Again”
Original post here.
The voices finally got the best of me. I couldn’t sleep one night and my head was roaring so I walked outside hoping the cold air would calm things down. It did not. I acted on the voice and injured myself. My thinking at the time was that if I bent to the voice’s wishes, do what it said, it would stop nagging and leave me alone in peace. It did not. All it did was land me in the psych hospital for 6 days. I don’t smoke any longer and I missed it. Cigarettes and copious amounts of coffee are staples in the psych ward. They adjusted my meds, notably the Abilify, pronounced me safe to my myself and society and turned me loose. So now I’m an outpatient again and I take 30mg of Alibily, 50mg of Paxil CR, 60mg of Cymbalta, 200mg of Trazodone at night and .5mg of Klonopin twice a day. Seems like one hell of a lot of pills to be pushing through my body. Maybe I’m doing better but I don’t feel it. I don’t like the sideveffects of the chemical stew I’m taking .I’m a zombie with a flat affect. I am a crying, weeping, worthless zombie. Some tell me I look and sound better, but they don’t know the thoughts that still flood my head at times. It’s more than a little frustrating being told you look better. Back to the broken bone analogy I used in my previous submission, my bone is still broken and it still hurts badly so don’t tell me I look and sound better. I cut myself again the other day. Why? I’m still holding on by my fingertips, still waiting, but I still almost daily think the alternative, the shot to the head, is the more humane way, although so violent. I hurt, in pain. I’m tired. I’m fed up with it all. I only want it to stop, to find some peace.
I signed my previous post “anonymous” but my real mane is David.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Dear David,
I know this is tough. You made it twenty years without meds but it may take longer for the meds to work because you have been ill for so long.
It has taken nine months to get the combo right for me. I felt that at times I could never make it and I took life one minute at a time.
I am sorry for your pain. Keep at it with the doctor. I had the zombie periods and we played around until it is pretty good. It takes perserverance which is in short supply when you are in that much pain.
It may not mean much but I am rooting for you. Best wishes.
March 9th, 2008 at 12:29 am
I’ll think warm thoughts for you, David.
March 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Hi David,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much right now. I wish you courage and enough faith to hold on for better times.
I’ve never had to deal with voices in my head, but I know how hard it is to fight self-harm urges. It must be immeasurably harder with the voices pushing you on. You’re showing your strength by holding on, even though you might not feel strong.
Love,
Spark.
March 9th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
David, David you have a name. David it is good to here from you.
David, we are listening, we are hoping.
David if self injury stopped you from the alternative you listed…well it stopped you from greater self-harm. Don’t blame-just breathe. Every minute is a victory. Keep trying.
We are here. thank you for being soo brave. For someone who has shown such bravery, be brave a little longer. The meds they will kick in, they did for me.
I’m hopeful for you David. I really truly am so hopeful.
Cindi
March 10th, 2008 at 7:35 am
David, I am sorry you’re hurting. It can take a bit for the medications to kick in, not every combination works immediately. But when they finally did, for me? It was a wonderful relief. I’m thinking of you, David, and hoping for you, and hoping you can hang in there until the meds have a chance to kick in.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I am so proud of you, my dear friend. ((((((Hugs))))))
March 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
David..
Dear, David
Where you at brother?
Come back and talk to us a little more.
David, we wanna hear ya say “Hey”.
Love from the neighborhood of “real mental” folks.
Cindi