Do You Think That Jabba The Hut Would Do Chenille?
Today is a day in which Bitch uncoils herself from my within my chest, swells up through my throat, and declares Feck off, all of yous!
I am doing my best to remain calm, but I am caught up in my annual early spring irritation, which begins right after the first sign of thaw and the disappointing re-freeze that follows it. I want out: out of the office, out of my apartment, out of the city, out of every last thing that places and schedules me into a pattern. I am fifteen (in spirit) and fed up with The Man. Let’s go smoke a carton of cigarettes and steal your dad’s gin.
People keep coming up and talking to me, because I am normally a very nice person, but I can tell that I am being a bit off-putting today. I can feel my aggression rising, and suddenly my voice is too forceful, too loud, and I am saying black every time they say white. Could I be any more the three-year old who has been denied candy? You are talking to me, and can’t you see that my brain is twisted wire wool right now? If you don’t leave RIGHT NOW, all this shit’s gonna start on fire!
I have my ups and downs throughout the year, but I find that the biggest complicating factor is my seasonal anxiety and depression during the winter and spring. A subtle change in the weather and the sunlight, and I can be thrown into a deep depressive fog or be thrust up into happy busy-ness. I can never be sure which it will be. Today, I have been pushed out on a third precipice, for example: Bitch.
I have a plan, though, to take care of myself at the end of the day. I am going to wash all the bedding, take it straight from the dryer, pile it all on top of myself, and drink chocolate milk from a straw. I will be like Jabba the Hut dressed in orange chenille. And then I will breathe in and breathe out and remember that this is just today.
Sometimes it is a blessing to be a fairly rapid cycler.
(This entry is also posted at Schmutzie’s Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come)
March 6th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Not knowing from one day to the next how you’re going to feel… yeah… I know what you mean. I’m all up to my neck in pissiness today because yesterday I was goin’ and doin’ and really enjoying myself… ALONE.
You see, I have panic attacks and often doing something by myself is quite overwhelming… but yesterday.. eh, no big deal.
Today? I can’t even bring myself to walk down the the mailbox…
I cry sometimes, I get angry with myself, I get frustrated, and in the end… I usually realize I’m wasting my time feeling that way…. I really need to learn to be gentler and more accepting of myself, as it seems that you are learning to do.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Get out of my head! This time of year is such a terror for me. I go from just BI-polar to 100X-polar. This week has been “the crying week”. I cry at work, at home, in the car, in my sleep.
Last week? Last week was the “I am superwoman week”. All confident and self-assured.
Tomorrow? Eh, who knows.
Sometimes that’s what keeps this mess interesting. The “eh” of it all.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Orange chenille would cheer even Jabba up. I am jealous. I must clearly do a better job shopping for home decorating, so that I have soft things in happy colors.
I prescribe you a trip to the area thrift shops for some yellow velour.
Sooner the spring, the better.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Spring irritation….you have named it and defined for me that I am not the only one that experiences it. I have depression and most certainly it is worse in the winter – SADD for sure. But I always wondered why I felt so edgy when the weather starts getting nicer – I always feel like “don’t come near me – leave me alone – I want my space to enjoy the sun.” I also feel guiltier about feeling depressed when the weather gets nicer because everyone else is always so damn peppy about it. Can’t I just enjoy the sun quietly?