layers of skin
i never knew why i did it. i just did it. i had to do it. At the time, I was unable to make the association that when I did it, it released the pain. physical pain numbs a person. instead of a big gaping wound of pain in the belly, it was compacted into one area. i call that tangible pain.
each morning walking down the steep hill to the bus stop was excruciating and hurt every step of the way. something inside of my would ask, “why are you doing this?”
i never had an answer.
i engaged in a ritual of peeling skin from the bottom of my feet. it took a few days for it to grow back before i could repeat the process. in the meantime, i had my fingers to damage along with the calloused skin on my palms.
writing about it now, it seems dark and scary. at the time, it was my dirty little secret and i had no idea why i was doing it.
it would be several years later before the pieces started coming into focus for me. pain was the “go to” sensation.
for the most part, i’ve said goodbye to those rituals. i use “for the most part” because i’ve learned that self harm is some kind of shape shifter virus, which forces me to be vigilant.
in order to get to the solution, i had to go back to the root of the problem. therapy can be similar to a plunge into hell. it wasn’t a pretty site and has taken years to sort the pieces that will continue for my time here. i am better, I am getting better.
August 21st, 2007 at 4:24 pm
the urge to self harm has never gone away for me. it’s lessoned, but it’s still there quite a few days a week. i don’t give into the urges. i have new coping strategies now, but i’m surprised that it doesn’t go away.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:25 am
I agree, once I found that cutting would relieve the emotional and mental pain, it went on my list of unhealthy remedies. It still occurs to me to this day if things get really bad, especially when my brain gets extra cloudy. I have to work hard during these times to stay on top of the pain. It’s worth it.
August 28th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Wow. Thanks so much for writing this. I used to do the same thing to my feet. I also went through a cutting phase. And, like Leah, I find the urge to self harm has not gone away. In fact, I still pull my smallest toenails off from time-to-time. I really appreciate what you guys are doing here. Keep it up!
September 3rd, 2007 at 2:31 am
Have you ever read Cat’s Eye by Margaret Atwood? The main character in that book is bullied mercilessly by other girls and peels the skin from the bottoms of her feet when she’s alone. That image has always stuck with me. That, and I remember very clearly being 14 and taking my fingernails to my own wrist and drawing blood. I wanted to feel physical pain because it was more tangible and more acceptable than the horrible emotional pain I was in all the time. It felt safer.