Marriage
There was a postcard on last Sunday’s Post Secret that hit me very close to home. It was of a picture of a wedding ring with “I don’t paint as much anymore” in text above the ring.
There were two comments below the postcard; “i don’t dance anymore”, and “I left my husband this weekend because I realized I didn’t laugh anymore.”
An old and familiar twinge danced within me. The twinge that draws a line from commitment, creating a shape that eventually equals death. I never dreamed of getting married when I was a little girl, I could not understand what would drive a person to tether himself or herself to one person for the rest of their life. Only I knew the truth, which was that wedding ceremonies were really a funeral in secret.
Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve ended. Some of those relationships made it to the four year mark most did not. Rather than being “in” the partnership, I would spend a lot of time looking for their flaws, persuading myself into believing they were not the one for me. I would find something that stuck and I would begin to plan my escape.
Planning my escape is just something that I do, something that I’ve always done. Eating in a restaurant, if it’s suddenly taken over by aliens you’ll want to follow me as I’ve already come up with the escape plan. Driving in a car over a bridge and somehow the car veers towards the side and ends up in the water? I have a plan. In a relationship and having second thoughts, look no further I can create an escape plan for you.
To be honest, I have a few escape plans in the back of my mind now. It’s some kind of mental exercise, very much like my compulsive need to count.
Where am I going with this? Well, I’ll tell you. Despite what you’ve just read, I am married and I have children. I struggle with the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of my life. The reason is not due to the man I married, but because I am who I am. I still have that fear of losing myself, and I can tell you that I *have* lost some parts of me. I’m not so happy about it, but I’m learning to live with it.
I like to believe that my marriage will be a lasting commitment, one in which we both will continue to grow as individuals. I’m not a believer in “two halves make a whole” theory.
I believe your relationships should enhance who you are as a person and support you on the road to being that person (and vice versa). In turn, this will make both people better peoples.
I guess only time will tell and as with everything, it really is all about the journey.
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:04 am
Seriously….. I am obsessed with post secret. So many secrets that hit home. It is sort of nice somehow to realize you maybe aren’t quite as crazy or alone in your thinking as you first thought.
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:48 am
I agree, and you’re not alone.
January 24th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Reading Postsecret makes me see alot of things…some I have seen and had been denying all this time…then suddenly I find myself being hit by something…but the punch there is not the part of being hit but the part that I get back after the hit…gain composure again.
I have same concerns with you about marriage…I too is scared of losing myself…something which I believe is the only thing I’ve got at the end of this all…yet…I’m enjoying my almost 5 yrs relationship with my bf so much…that he has become so part of me…now, when do I say that “I do”? He has been asking…and I have been postponing…I’m having cold feet!
January 24th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I can really relate to this, too. In relationships where I haven’t ended it, I’ve often pushed the other person to do it. I’m much more comfortable on my own. It’s hard for me to let go and just be with someone and trust. I’m so worried about being let down or trusting that person only to find out that he’s not who I think he is or that he isn’t there for me when I need him that I put up a huge wall and find ways to push him away.
I’m in a relationship now and I’m constantly questioning it and thinking of ways to end it. I fight it all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be sure.
January 25th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
For any relationship to work you have to be willing for your life to change. It will change. You will change. I think a lot of people equate change with losing themselves.
I’ve been married for fifteen years and never once felt that I was losing myself or my independence of spirit. My husband and I are not the same person. But absolutely both of us have changed in order to live a harmonious life together. We don’t view the change as a sacrifice, only as a shift to make room for each other.
The things that should never change is your ability to do things for yourself that replenish your spirit: writing, exercising, going to movies, art, gardening, whatever. I think a lot of the time when people stop doing this in a relationship they blame their spouse, but most of the time it’s themselves who have let taking care of themselves go.
Being married and settling into a house was really a different place than I had intended to go in life but it opened up new passions for me like cooking and gardening that I would not have found out if I had not welcomed a shift in my life. So for me, partnership has been healthy.
So hold onto the parts of you that you love, that make you feel good, and don’t let any excuses get between you and that painting you’ve had on your mind. It’s harder to find the time when you have a family, but you can do it!
January 25th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
angelina, thank you so much for commenting. you articulated more of what i had hoped to express in my post but i don’t think i was very successful.
i agree with every word you wrote, and most definitely with the parts of me that i never would have discovered had i not gotten married and had children.
i don’t know how you did it, but you added what i could not. thank you for commenting.
January 28th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I’ve been married for 6 years and with my husband for nearly 11. The past three years have been the most difficult for me, as I realized that I wasn’t getting what I needed. Things changed—they always do—and I had to decide where I was going to go. I had to decide whether to walk away, or to stay. Whether to journey deeper with my husband in the hopes that things would get better or to leave and hope that things got better on my own. Either way, things were going to change. They always do.
I think it’s entirely normal in long-term relationships, for there to be questioning at some point, about whether this is where we want to be. A good friend of mine told me—when I was mired and trapped in my discontent—that she views marriage as a series of peaks and valleys. She moved her hand smoothly up and down as she described her theory, with each peak getting less steep and each valley becoming shallower.
“Over time, the peaks and valleys even out…” she consoled. To which I said, “You mean, until they flatline?” I was exasperated. I couldn’t bear to continue to live in the frenetic place I’d been in for so long. But somehow, by taking a step away from the ledge (and engaging myself in writing, photography and my girlfriends), I came to a place of acceptance within myself. Accepting that I am where I’m supposed to be. I know that things will change. They always do.
I take things day by day, being as present as possible in the Now. Looking too far into the future is claustrophobic for me. I try to give more to my marriage, with the hope that it will come to a better place. Part of my issue was that my marriage wasn’t what it once was and I had to mourn that, accept it and then be willing to embrace the possibility of something better. Something different that I could allow to be better.
Things are improving. As my husband said to me recently when I apologized for all the upheaval I’d caused, “It’s a marathon, baby. Not a sprint.” I’m lucky to have someone so devoted on my side. He’s patient and willing to wait. He knows that things change. They always do.
Good luck, Moonflower. You’re not alone.