Not sure when it happened, or how it happened. At some point, in between the abuse I experienced as a child, and becoming an adult, I made a promise to myself that I would make the world a safer place for children.

I didn’t remember that vague whisper of the promise I made until I was a few years into being a step parent. Most of my life, kids have always liked me. I would dare to tell you that my measure of worth as a person could be determined on whether or not a child thought well of me.

This is precisely why my experience with my step daughter brought me to my knees. I was ashamed of myself as an adult, as a parent. I was doing it all wrong. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of bad parenting when my only desire was to do right by her.

I was trying desperately trying to do THE RIGHT THING.

I wanted to change quickly, I wanted to improve yesterday. If I could just finding the fucking key, the source, and the exact nature of the wrong then I would be ok. We would be ok.

Finally, the tides began turning; I started doing small things within myself to change. The biggest change, that served me, was that I had to stop trying to fix her, and I had to start taking better care of myself.

We talked, and talked and talked. I had to force myself not to ask her if she was ok even though I could feel her pain, her sorrow. I made amends to her. I thanked her for being such a good teacher.

It’s taken time for the healing to show results, but the results have surfaced. The results are there. She knows without any doubt that I would take a bullet for her.

By loving her, hidden doorways within me revealed themselves, and bridges were crossed that may have otherwise fallen down. We are bonded, that one and I. She is the sun, the moon, and the stars and I love her deeply.  She helped me keep the promise.