Inside Out
Several years ago I was having a chat with a family member when they asked me about my decision to stop pursuing a career in music- what made me decide to take a more practical route. I told them that it was a hard choice, but that I’d realized that a) I was an okay musician. Not great, but fair- and that fair wasn’t going to cut it, and b) for a long time I thought, melodramatically, that music defined me as a person, that it was the essence of my being. As I got older I realized that music was something that I loved, loved doing, but that whether I played music as a profession or as a hobby I was not going to let it make me feel defeated or unhappy.
My relative looked me straight in the eye and without any conscious ill-intent said, “Well Amanda, you know Allison Krauss isn’t attractive and she has a career in music.”.
Yesterday, the same relative expressed concern that I might one day feel resentful towards my child, “Because she’s so cute and pretty.”.
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I have trained myself to listen to my inner voice and to what it’s saying to me. After about a decade of of awareness and gentle correction I have learned to pay attention to that voice, to be diligent, and ultimately to be kind to myself in thought and action. It has made a world of difference in the way that I live and the way that I feel about myself.
The greatest gift I’ve received from this practice is the realization that the voice in my head, the one that calls me names, tells me I’m not good enough- the one that is so hard and cruel- it’s not my voice. Those thoughts were placed there by other people and for a long time I let other people control the way I feel about myself.
These days, more often than not, the voice is mine. And it thinks I’m more than just okay.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
That just makes me mad. I don’t know you or haven’t ever commented here before but that just makes me want to this time. How can people, even relatives be co cruel. I hope that you have learned to listen to your inner voice and not that of others who probably are belittling others to make themselves look good. Those people are not worth it. And…your are just fine.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Comments like that are totally about the person who says them, as I am sure you know.
Besides, you are beautiful…and I don’t just mean on the inside.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
That seems so weird to me that this relative even sees you that way (and I’m aware that this is NOT the point of this post) but when I checked out your flickr pages the first thing I thought was “Damn, she’s really hot!” (not thought in a lecherous fashion, in case you were concerned.)
I have a lot of similar voices that have been camping out in my head since forever and between doing the same kind of constant inner correcting and medication has made those voices, which are not really mine, quiet down.
It’s great that you’ve come so far!
January 11th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
More than OK????
You FUCKIN ROCK!!!!!!!!!!
I could list alllllll the wonderfulness that is Amanda, but there just isn’t enough internet.
Anyone who doesn’t think so can suck it.
xoxo
PS: Maggie looks just like you.
January 12th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
oooooh fucking toxic, meanie relative. you should have told him/her that you think you look pretty good and it is too bad he/she is so ugly on the inside.
January 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
The ability to tune in and listen to the right messages is a tremendous gift to be treasured.
Best wishes
January 12th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
awesome.
January 12th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
As a long time admirer of your writings and photos and someone who has actually thought, I wonder if Amanda would be my friend if we knew each other (sounds creepy, meant with mere affection), I totally hate that relative, and would like to bitch slap him or her. It is well documented that you are beautiful and cool.
January 14th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Amanda, I read this before the weekend, and it really struck me strongly. I identify very much with the notion of not feeling good enough, and before I had processes and habits that facilitated better mental health I’d get into all kinds of bad behaviors. But the processing part is the critical part. When you wrote:
I have trained myself to listen to my inner voice and to what it’s saying to me. After about a decade of of awareness and gentle correction I have learned to pay attention to that voice, to be diligent, and ultimately to be kind to myself in thought and action. It has made a world of difference in the way that I live and the way that I feel about myself.
That is the best description of my mental health habits these days. I’ve heard therapists describe that voice as the “good parent to myself.”
Anyway, thanks for writing this post. It articulated something I don’t think on often.
January 14th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t yet learned to silence that critical, mean voice in my head, but you just gave me a little more hope that one day I will. Thank you.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
What Kimberly said… your writing about this brought tears to my eyes, too. I am so glad the loudest voices in your head are kind. I haven’t been able to shake all the “shoulds” and finger-pointing in my own mind, but I’m grateful that you’ve made progress.
January 18th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Your damn right you’re more than okay — in fact, I think you’re phenomenal in many ways.
My son-in-law’s parents put similar thoughts in his head (he’s never going to amount to anything, etc.). I’ve seen this paralyze him from pursuing many things in his young life and it just kills me. At one point, we said those exact words, “The voices in your head are not yours.” When we said it, it sounded like we were a little cuckoo for suggesting he was hearing voices. The way you worded it was spectacular. You go girl.
Oh – and I still miss your blog. :-)