In early February, after several years of trying to no avail, I found out that I was pregnant.

My initial reaction was very mixed, I was happy but I was also horrified. I kept thinking of how screwed up I had felt for most of my life, of how unpredictable my depression could be, and worst of all was the question that kept me up nights in the beginning: What if I pass my disease on to my baby?

Also, through a delightful cocktail of Lexapro, Adderall, and various sleep aids I found myself in the most peaceful and genuinely functional state of mind and I was scared to death to start the long walk, retracing the path back to uncertainty and despair, back into the bowels of my illness. I stopped the Adderall and sleep medication immediately crossing my fingers that doing so would not send me into a tailspin.

My husband and I had discussed the possibilities of my remaining on my anti-depressant during my pregnancy many times in the past. What we had to weigh was the unknown effects of the drug on the baby vs. my ability to survive being pregnant for nine months. How far would I regress in that amount of time? Point A in this journey, before I found an anti-depressant that worked for me and before I was diagnosed with severe ADD, (minus the “H”. Hyperactive I ain’t.) was a place I didn’t care to return to. My days back then consisted of paralyzing panic attacks, confusion, insomnia, terror, deep sorrow and a daily urge to put myself out of my misery.

When I called the doctor’s office to schedule my initial prenatal visit I was informed that my primary care physician had transferred to another city and that I’d need to establish another one. At the visit with the replacement doctor I was sternly scolded for even considering the possibility of remaining on my anti- depressant during my pregnancy. The doctor refused to refill my prescription for Lexapro saying that there just wasn’t enough evidence about it’s effects on fetal development for him to feel comfortable with it.

Mercifully, a few days later I had my first visit with my OBGYN who said that there was no evidence that Lexapro, in therapeutic doses, would have any ill effect whatsoever on the baby. She confirmed my fear that tossing the anti-depressant could be not only dangerous for me, but unhealthy for the fetus. She was kind and supportive and understanding and honestly I don’t know what I’d have done had it not been for her. I think I might have stopped my medication altogether.

Seven months later I have no doubt that I made the right choice. (that is to say, the right decision for me. this is a highly personal decision and I don’t believe there’s a definitive “right” or “wrong”) I have been experiencing symptoms of depression for months now- insomnia, mild panic, racing thoughts, etc., but thanks to the anti-depressant I have been able to cope with them. I know that they will pass. They have not become my reality. For the most part I am calm and centered. I feel at peace. I know my baby experiences my emotions and I’m so relieved that what she has experienced during her time in my body has been mostly positive. Mostly comforting. Mostly sane.