When is too much enough?
I don’t have the answer to this question, but it’s one that everyone faces at one point or another in their relationships with the toxic people in their lives. I’ve been contemplating it on a number of fronts– toxic friends, toxic employment, toxic family, but it’s the last that’s the hardest, at least for me. The crazier my mother gets, the more I question what relationship I can safely have with her.
“Family” is a loaded, loaded word. The family to whom you are born may be less than ideal, and you haven’t got a choice in the cards that nature deals you in the long game of family– genetics, personalities, economic circumstances, and psychological pathologies. With friends and employment, there is always an element of choice, even if it’s a selection between a rock and a hard place. But in a family, the lack of choice is constraining. I, at least, feel like I have to try to make things work. The social belief that we owe our families our lifelong involvement and devotion, repaying the debts of our infancy and childhood to our elders is one that deserves examining.
As someone coming from an essentially middle-class background in a western civilization, I’m not equipped to opine on other cultures’ notion of a lifelong debt to family, nor am I even sure about whether that’s the best way to characterize it. But in our culture, I do believe there’s a breaking point. There are circumstances that are so horrific that we can all agree that someone has the “right,” if not in fact the self-obligation, to cut themselves off from their toxic family. But when do the circumstances suffice in our own lives? And when deciding if your family (or certain family members) are too toxic to continue to be borne, is it “fair” to make your decision based on your own reaction to their behavior, compared with the “objective” assessment of their toxic behavior?
It’s a question I’ve struggled with for years. I’ve been in therapy off and on, and at different points in my life, different behaviors have been wounding. As I get older, I’ve come to peace with the fact that it simply isn’t personal, and that the behavior is due to the mental illness and personality disorder from which she suffers. Too, I’ve mellowed as I’ve aged, and gotten a sense of tolerance if not humor about some of the craziness. But even with all that work, some of it is just too much– it hurts, every single time, and nothing I say or do to be self-protective, including standing up for myself, will change the behavior. But it doesn’t just only hurt– the stress she creates by failing/refusing/being incapable of getting appropriate medication, psychiatric treatment, and therapy pushes me down toward my depression end on the spectrum. First anger, then indignation, then self-pity, then sobbing self-pity, then apathy and wishful thinking and ignoring the problem, pushing it off onto my brother and aunt. At the same time, who better than I to help monitor her moods, get her the help she needs? I’ve already learned that she will never, never, never, change anything about her own life– her narcissism and martyr complex will see to that. But does my “responsibility” to her as a daughter to try to make her elderly stage of life livable obviate my need to take care of myself, to live my own life, to stay healthy for the husband I chose, who doesn’t engage in behaviors that literally drive me nuts?
Distancing has worked for me in the past (I don’t think she’s noticed), and more is in order. I also have decided that “plain talk” of actions and consequences is in order, whether or not she’s capable of understanding or acting on such, because she does have the capacity of being a lucid and functional person. Babying her accomplishes nothing, and is destructive to my own sanity. But the breaking point? I haven’t decided if I’ve reached that yet.
January 7th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Wow. I don’t envy you the struggle, but I support you in it. I hold you both in the light.
January 7th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I am “just” a reader, interested in your journey with your mother. I have never understood “breaking it off” with a parent. Once the understanding is there, the idea that it isn’t personal–their behavior is based on their own limitations–isn’t it then possible to establish boundaries that at least limit the pain for you? Long ago, I read a simplified guide for living successfully, one of those silly things in a magazine. It stated a basic life lesson is “never base your behavior on the behavior of others.” I apply that to my own life constantly. It simplifies, for me, the decision to be kind to those who are rude or cruel to me. I had a difficult mother, and I was determined to treat her with respect and courtesy during her elder years. Once, when I raised my voice, she told me I was adopted and had no right to speak to her that way. I was 36! Quite a blow! Nevertheless, I managed to love her and care for her during her final years. Anyway, for what it is worth, (perhaps nothing :> ?) I don’t think the time ever comes to disconnect from a family member with mental illness because their behavior hurts you. Limitations, boundaries, knowledge, compassion, understanding yourself–the qualities you already have–will guide you as you deal with her!
January 7th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I’ve dealt with the same question concerning my mother too. My mother has used me as her own personal therapist since I was ten years old. She brought to me her talk of death (“You kids would be better off without me”) and right now, while I’m already at a mental low point, she’s doing it again. Even though I’ve told her quite plainly that I’m seriously struggling to hold myself together right now myself. My mother, like yours, has a nice martyr complex as well as the inability (or refusal) to see anything beyond herself.
I think you’re doing the best thing by going with “plain talk”. I’m working on that too. Now every few days when my mom starts pouring her shit all over me I say over and over “Mom, you need to see a therapist.” “You need to get back on meds.”
I’m getting bolder about it every day. Next I’ll be saying to her “Listen mother, take some god damn medication and get your ass back into therapy or I won’t listen to you ever again about anything but the weather.”
Your situation is much tougher than mine right now.
January 7th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Just a reader here… my mother is very much the same. When we (her children) don’t agree with her (usually when’s she caused a fight with another one of her kids), then she threatens suicide, tells us she will never speak to us again, etc. Usually, she calls back in a week and we all act like nothing happened. However, it happened at Thanksgiving (happens at every major holiday or life event) and we haven’t heard from her- not even Christmas, although we all mailed her gifts. She is in very poor health and can’t drive herself to doctors visits very safely, etc… but what do you do? We worry about her, but maybe this time really is the last straw? In the past we’ve had to just agree with her when she confused things or denied things, but it just seems like for your own sanity you can’t always live in the twisted world of her *own* reality????
January 7th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Prof. J, thanks.
Nancy, your point about boundaries is an important one. I do agree that it’s important first to set reasonable boundaries– and it sounds as though you had many to set, and lots of understanding to work on achieving. How do you handle it when the reasonable boundaries are continually transgressed?
Angelina- it’s the burdening of one’s children with adult talk, adult woes, adult responsibilities far beyond their ability to achieve that, imho, undermines childrens’ senses of self and increases the senses of guilt. We feel responsible for not solving problems that only a professional adult could dream to try to solve.
KC, I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation. I can sympathize. The stories about little old ladies freezing on the news that prompt the “where was the family” are told in a vaccuum of what the family actually went through.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
You know, anyone with a parent like this would have a difficult time dealing with the situation. A person with their own set of mental illnesses finds the situation much more burdensome, mostly, I think because they can relate and have a sense of compassion that many others do not.
However, because you have your own mental health to consider, you must be very careful allowing your mother’s situation to creep into your own.
I don’t know if I was told or if I read this but I have found it to be a good test for me. It’s this: I am responsible TO the people in my life, not FOR them. Am I being kind and truthful and respectful to my mom? Yes. Do I have any control over what she does with or how she responds to these things? No. This is actually true for all our relationships but it seems that the familial ones are the hardest to look at with perspective.
You are the most important person that you are responsible for and have influence with and you have a medical condition that requires you to take extra care with your emotions. Also, you can’t make HER do anything! She won’t get help or take her medication or see a therapist for you anymore than she can make YOU do them for her. As you already know, most of the time we only reach out for help when we are at the end of ourselves.
There’s nothing simple about this and I don’t want to sound callous and cold, because I’m not. My heart hurts for both of you. And, I’m sure there is a lot to the story not addressed in your post. If I’m way off base, please ignore my ramblings. What you wrote struck a chord and I wanted to share a coping mechanism I’ve found helpful. Hopefully, what I’ve said here will be helpful to you and/or someone else reading here.
I just found your site a couple of weeks ago. I couldn’t read it at first. I was afraid it would hurt by bring up unwanted emotions. I’ve started reading the postings and I find that I’m comforted rather than hurt. I will continue to read and learn and not feel so alone. I’m a never married, no children, 41 year old woman who’s been in and out of therapy for the last 20 years. I’ve been disabled with major depression for the last 12. At that time I had a nervous breakdown with hospitalization for 2 months and my chemical makeup is considered “treatment resistant”. I’ve taken a LOT of different medications. I have an eating disorder and anxiety issues. Throw in a little OCD and there you have it. I’m a bright, curious woman who reads a lot and does a lot of investigating and research. I tell you all this just to give myself a little street cred here.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Well, that was difficult to learn…the boundaries just exist in my mind. No one else honors my boundaries. Your mother can’t deal with your boundaries; they are just yours. My therapist often asks, “and then what will you do?” because she has taught me that the boundaries WILL be broken. What we need to do is to learn how to protect ourselves from the pain. When is too much enough? Perhaps never… if we really learn how to survive the anguish! Or perhaps, sadly, the distancing will have to progress.
January 7th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Selfishly, I feel affirmed by this very difficult post you’ve written. It helps me feel not so crazy and not so alone.
I also like your question to nancy: “How do you handle it when the reasonable boundaries are continually transgressed?”
Even though I suffered extreme abuse from my parents as a child. I never broke off from them.
Sometimes I consider it my spiritual work to learn how to keep loving them despite the toxicity. Daily I wonder if I’ve made the right decision.
Just today I received an email from a dear childhood friend who also was abused. She broke cleanly from her family and thinks her life has been much better than mine. I envy her clarity and the wells of energy she uses as her own. Mine are drained constantly — sometimes just from worry.
January 8th, 2008 at 2:11 am
I love Katrina’s response and I think she has said some very wise things. I think the answer to the question this post raises must necessarily be different than it would be for someone dealing with a toxic relationship who does NOT have their own mental illness to care for.
I do believe there are instances where it becomes necessary to disconnect from relations and I think we usually carry the answer in our own gut, if the time comes I think we usually know it even if we’re scared sh*tless to face it.
January 8th, 2008 at 10:43 am
At various times, I have broken it off with my grandparents, parents, and even friends. If they hurt me to the point that I could not face them, then I didn’t. I took whatever time I needed to heal, be it months or years. I don’t begrudge myself doing this, but I knew that I was the one needing the distance, that they were essentially fine without me. Your situation is quite different in that your mother is not fine. We went through that with ex’s father, a life long alcoholic. Although at one point when we were newlyweds and had custody of him, ex eventually severed ties. Ex felt that he devistated his childhood, particularly financially, and that he didn’t owe him anything. Every so often, a kindly landlord or girlfriend would call us and expect ex to bail his dad out somehow or for us to care about his failing health, but ex would never bite. Perhaps it is the decisiveness of a man vs. the nurturing nature of a woman?
January 8th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
This could be my story. I relate completely with all you have written. My mother is also mentally ill and out of the need to preserve my sanity I cut ties 2 years ago. Of course it is not over. Her and my dad have made attempts to lure me back in. Sometimes they are nice about it and other times they are not. We have tried for 20 years to make our relationship work. I had to finally hang it up. I don’t enjoy the drama like they do. I don’t think my decision will ever sit right with me but I do believe a made the right one. Excellent post. Thanks for sharing.
January 14th, 2008 at 1:48 am
Wow, this post really struck my heart. I’ve gone through the same things my whole life with my mother. I’ve asked the same questions as well and fumbled with the answers. There finally came a time when for my own sanity and the safety of my children (which is a story in itself), I had to cut the ties. You asked this question:
“But when do the circumstances suffice in our own lives? And when deciding if your family (or certain family members) are too toxic to continue to be borne, is it “fair” to make your decision based on your own reaction to their behavior, compared with the “objective” assessment of their toxic behavior?”
It all revolves around guilt, doesn’t it? Parents like these are expert at guilt. They make you feel like you don’t have the “right” to step back and find some level ground for yourself. But, the fact is, you do have that right. One thing I kept reminding myself of, is that I am the daughter. I am not responsible for my mother. Being the oldest of four girls, this was the hardest thing for me to swallow. I finally did and I think it saved my life. My mother won’t change, ever, but I have a happy, stable life and have given the same to my children. That’s worth a lot.
This is what I wrote my first book about, The Ties that Wound. I had to deal with these issues, and writing about it helped me to sort them out. It was very cathartic. My situation is different from yours and you have to decide what works for yourself, but if I could give you any advice, it would be this; don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for doing what you need to do to find stability and peace in your own life. You deserve it.