I recently received a request to share the story of how I was diagnosed with ADD. I was supposed to write about it last week but I completely forgot. I didn’t even realize that Friday had come and gone until Saturday evening and that, my friends, is a great example of the disorder and the effect is has on my life.

I have never been able to focus and since I was a child I’ve had the attention span of a gnat. I was a terrible student and spent most of my time in class daydreaming and staring out of the window. I used to get in trouble for this on a weekly basis and my progress reports almost always read, “Doesn’t pay attention in class.”. My parents attributed this behavior to me being a right- brained individual and felt that I lacked self-discipline. I was grounded, literally, from the 4^th through the 10^th grades because of my poor grades and seeming lack of concern about things I needed to get done.

The subject of Attention Deficit Disorder did not come to my attention until I was well into my 20’s. I was asked by numerous friends and acquaintances if I thought I might suffer from the disorder but I always said no. I could sit through a whole movie or concert if I wanted to- and I thought that fact was an indicator that when I suffered from all of the other symptoms of ADD, it was a reflection of my flawed character. I didn’t know enough about the disorder to ask for help and as a result I spent a lot of years thinking that I was a complete failure- a fundamentally hopeless human being.

About two years ago a therapist I was seeing demanded, despite my protestation, that I take a test to determine whether or not I suffered from ADD. I was stunned when, after the two weeks it took me to finish the three page test and the additional two weeks it took for me to remember to return it to the therapist, that not only did I have ADD but boy howdy did I have ADD.

Here is a basic rundown of my symptoms:

I need constant stimulation. Without it I become severely depressed. I suffer from chronic fatigue. I am always mentally exhausted. If I’m not being mentally engaged or stimulated it is almost impossible for me to stay awake. It often takes me a ridiculous amount of time to complete simple tasks. If I’m in the middle of a project and get distracted by the smallest thing it’s extremely difficult for me to get back on track. For instance, say I need to pay the gas bill. I’ll say to myself, “You need to go pay the gas bill.”, and then a song I love will come on the radio and the next thing I know it’s a week later and I haven’t payed the gas bill. A side-effect of this symptom is extreme anxiety, for obvious reasons. I lack focus. If you are talking to me I will only hear about 35% of what you are saying. I am often grouchy and short-tempered with people when they request that I do something, especially if that something needs to be done in an efficient manner. I can not follow instructions. I will eventually get things done but it will take great effort and lack attention to detail. I have extreme difficulty keeping up with things- keys, important papers, appointment times and dates, etc. Writing things down does not help, because even if I remember to read the “note on the fridge” the information will be gone the minute I am distracted by something else.

Once I knew that I suffered from ADD my entire perspective on life changed. I understood why I had such a hard time with daily living and why things were often so unmanageable. I realized that I was not a bad person, not a lazy person, but a person suffering from a serious disorder that effected every aspect of my life.

After making the diagnosis my therapist referred me to a physician who specialized in ADD and depression. He prescribed Adderall and kept a very close eye on me for a few months after I started taking it. It’s effect on me was immediate. After about a week I felt a million times better- more alert and aware. After a month or so I was able to focus, complete tasks in a reasonable amount of time, keep up with things and engage in entire conversations with others. I still needed stimulation but did not go insane without it. I had the mental and physical energy I needed to get things done. Life became manageable and enjoyable.

I did experience some pretty intense side effects from the medication as my body adapted to it and as my doctor and I adjusted my dosage to fit my needs. One side effect was rapid, almost scary weight loss. This was fine for me because I had weight to spare, but I had to be diligent about my eating and make sure that I was getting the proper amount of calories and nutrition. I would advise that anyone with an eating disorder or an already very thin person to be extremely careful and work closely with a doctor when taking Adderall.

Another side effect that I experienced during the first few weeks was irritability- more so than usual. It was as if someone flipped on a light switch in my head which was wonderful but very overwhelming. It was suddenly very easy for me to be overstimulated and I had to learn to deal with all of the information that I was receiving. Also, I became acutely aware of my surroundings and of how much ground I had to cover to get my life in order.

That being said, Adderall has worked miracles for me. After my body and psyche adjusted to the medication, I became an infinitely more productive, relaxed, and joyful person.

Last week, after having been off of it for almost a year for my child’s sake, I started taking my medication again. It was an excruciating decision because it meant that I would have to stop breastfeeding mt daughter. For the past six months or so I haven’t been doing well at all. I’m so glad that I followed my doctor’s recommendation to stay on my anti-depressant while I was pregnant because if I hadn’t I don’t know where I’d be mentally. After a lot of tears I finally started taking Adderall again and I already feel a lot better. My daughter needs a mom who is mentally and emotionally present especially now that she is more aware of her surroundings. And I need to feel happy again.

So that’s my story. It took me two hours to finish this post, which may sound like a long time to most people, but for me it’s awesome. A week ago I would have started, been distracted by something shiny, and never finished. I love a good follow-through.