After finishing my book, after a kazzilion edits and rewrites, I really thought I was done with my whole history and wouldn’t need to dive deeply back in ever again. When I coach and speak, I do talk about my history, but I don’t really dig deep into the feelings behind the story because it isn’t necessary for that work.

When I was asked to write a screenplay based on my book, I considered it carefully because I knew I would have to get back in. I would have to climb back down the well and get into those feelings again. But the opportunity seemed too good to pass up. This would be a way to help spread the story further to more people and hopefully get them talking more about mental health. And help remove the secrecy and stigma. Always that.

What I didn’t realize was how different the writing is. Not only am I writing about it again, but in a whole new way. Writing for the screen is so much different, which I knew on one level having written other things, but not enough to prepare for how this is.

Thinking about how the camera will view it pushes me to write the action much more precisely. When I get to every abuse situation, I write it out so graphically that no one would ever be able to act it, let alone film it and watch it. So after I get done writing it out so completely, I then have no problem going back and editing it into something much more appropriate. I get the abuse across without making it an XXXX film.

But first, I have to get so thoroughly in it that it hurts. It’s taking a toll on me. I take breaks for days at a time. On the other hand, I’ve never worked through these feelings and experiences on this deep a level before and it’s healing. It’s good.