The downside of healthy
There many positive side effects to getting healthy minded and being present in your own life.
I think back on all those appointments I canceled because I would think I was “all better now!” and no longer needed any help. Or, the times as I was actually driving TO therapy wishing I were on my way to somewhere else, anywhere else but there.
My personal favorite, that creepy scratchy high pitched voice in my head that would mimic and taunt me with things like, “look at so and so, she doesn’t have to do therapy and SHE’S JUST FINE!”, or “why can’t you just let this stuff go and quit whining already!” “You are so fat; maybe if you just lost weight you’d be cured!”
Somehow, I got to therapy and somehow it worked. Without a doubt, it saved my life and it was worth all the hell in getting through it. I must say that the only reason that I even began digging around is that it affected my life and all my personal relationships. If it had not affected my daily living, why else would I have bothered? Truth is, I wouldn’t have.
With Thanksgiving down and Christmas and New Years just around the corner, I’ve been thinking about the down side of becoming healthy minded. One of those is trying to be around family members that are highly toxic and painfully poisonous to me.
Much like when I began dating again after my first leg of “serious therapy” was complete, my dating pool got smaller and smaller. I could see the “bad boy” and think lustful thoughts but I would think it through, and realize that it just wasn’t worth it to go down that road. I cared enough about myself not to even bother.
I figured I had no problem being single because for the first time in my life, I was having fun. And, not only fun but also I was sober. I got the job of my dreams, I could pay all my own bills, I came and went as I pleased and my life was mine.
All mine for the first time.
This leg of mental health work is more about other issues, more about the relationship I had with my mother and more about my codependency.
Holidays are just another word for codependency.
I wanted to ask the real mental community for some suggestions. How you handle being around people that you know are toxic and will bring you down if you just give them a moment of your time.
How do you handle this, and what are your escape plans?
Namaste,
Moonflower
December 5th, 2007 at 12:12 am
I’ve got to say, I don’t handle it well. I just grit my teeth and try to remember that they’re more crazy than me, and that their behavior has nothing to do with whether I am a good, worthy, lovable person, etc. I also try to grit my teeth and avoid letting them bait me into a fight, or a hurt response, or a tart comeback, anything that lets them vent further toxic fumes into the air. The only other thing I could do was try and rely on some friends to be available when I called to talk me down off of the most recent ledge I’d been pushed out on, knowing that I’d discussed with them in advance what I’d need.
I don’t know how your toxics would react, but occasionally, a “wow, you must be really upset about something to be taking it out on me” takes the wind out of their sails, since it calls them on their shit, but doesn’t necessarily admit that you’re hurt.
Good luck.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
i find making a bet with myself on how many minutes it will be till the first barb is thrown out is fun, then keeping a running mental count of how many nasty, hurtful or wacky-ass comments I get. Trying to keep count and remember them to tell someone (us, out here) later stops them from sinking in.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Terry Cole Whittaker wrote a book that has a title that I love: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I try to keep that in mind, but I often fail.
Is there any chance you can take a holiday from the holiday? Go somewhere nice that you like, hopefully to be with people who treat you well?
December 5th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I promise myself that even if they do get me down in the moment, I won’t prolong the torture by beating myself up about it later.
December 6th, 2007 at 7:39 am
unfortunatley i am looking for that magical answer as well. i dont handle it well. i usually avoid MY family get togethers as much as possible. i never thought about how “toxic” my family is to me. that word alone helps me – like another epiphany. when i realize that THEY are screwed up & i am the one finally coping functionally, its a little easier to stay neutral. i do get lots of christmas day phone calls from my family..i moved thousands of miles away to avoid their “toxins”. i change the subject alot and agree alot with things i dont actually agree with, just to keep the peace for that day. it may seem passive, but if i dont, then as you say..with the codependency, if i fall in the old traps and try to fight their illogical thinking, i enable them & myself. i dont think i am any help to you on this one, but i do understand.
December 7th, 2007 at 1:02 am
I find Christmas particularly difficult to get through. Over the last couple of years, I have done something similar to what Beca does. It becomes more of a game then to play with myself and helps me to keep from joining them on the playing field. Then, after the holidays, I take a three-month break from family functions.