Strike three
I am so frustrated and exhausted, I have no idea where to even begin. Remember how I was waiting for the Wellbutrin to kick in? Well, it didn’t. Or rather, it did, with disastrous results.
After two months of being on it and noticing no change in the near-crippling depression I was experiencing, my doctor decided to increase the dose. I didn’t notice the change at first, but looking back, I can see that shortly after the increase, I became more and more anxious. I started isolating myself from my friends, believing that they didn’t want to be around me and that some of them were actively turning people against me. I stopped picking up the phone, going out, writing emails. I felt utterly alone and scared.
And then, the panic attacks started. I thought I had experienced these before, but I’ve never felt anything this extreme. Racing thoughts, a barrage of negativity, shaking hands, heart pounding out of my chest, difficulty breathing, inability to sleep, and the intense fear that I was going to lose control and do something I didn’t want to do.
Once they started, almost anything triggered the anxiety. I went to work last week and had to go home after a few hours because everything set me off. A simple assignment, a notice of a meeting taking place in a few weeks, even getting a new email filled me with panic. I was paralyzed by fear, unable to work or even be in that place.
It’s now a week later and I still can’t shake that feeling.
I can’t get into my doctor until Tuesday, but I know she’ll take me off the Wellbutrin, so I’ve stepped myself down to the regular dose. Since I did that, the attacks have stopped and the anxiety has abated (though I’m sure taking work out of the equation also helped), but the depression is back. I’m not sure what she will put me on next, but I’m beginning to dread it, because as we have seen, my track record with negative drug reactions is less than stellar.
I feel like we’re playing chemistry set with my brain, but I don’t know what else to do because I can’t get an appointment with a psychiatrist for three to six months. So, we put on our white frocks and pull out the test tubes and see what happens when we mix up the next batch of chemicals.
Cross your fingers for me.
November 25th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
drats! I’m so sorry that it gave you such anxiety, no fun at all.
I know the psych is supposed to know more about the drugs than a regular dr, but I think you often end up playing chemistry set with a psych as well.
(((hugs)))
November 25th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
I have the same reaction to most ADs, and soooo feel for you. A frustrating thing for me was getting past the doctor’s, “Well, that is a very rare reaction” response EVERY SINGLE TIME. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you. I’m glad you don’t have to wait past Tuesday to be seen.
November 25th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
My fingers are crossed. It’s great that you had the presence of mind to scale back the Wellbutrin. I hope that the next med treats you better.
November 25th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Fingers crossed, eyes crossed, legs crossed. If it crosses, I’m crossing it. Wishing you some relief PDQ.
November 26th, 2007 at 2:59 am
dang! i can relate – my doc had me on wellbutrin and it had me seeing things. i’d get like little flashes of color and light and then it’d go away. was weird. i also felt like a testing toy for all the drugs out there. i’ve been on effexor XR now finally successfully for a couple years or more (lose track of time!) i wish you success in finding the right stuff and balance.
(ps – found this site from schmutzie who i found from the blog of unnecessary quotes… i’m glad i found it… been looking for a place to read what i’m living by other real people!)
November 26th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
I also skunked on Wellbutrin but Cymbalta is working well for me, but above the standard dose of 60 mgs, I take 80 and I am doing pretty well most of the time
November 27th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
First off, my heart goes out to you! I understand completely what you are going through, as do all of your wonderful readers – so don’t ever feel alone! I am on 20mg of Lexapro and it serves me well most of the time…most of the time…but during times of high stress it bottoms out. I’m sort of new to the whole AD trip, but what I have learned is that things will and do get better with time. When my anxiety/panic attacks first started I thought my life was over…but in fact, even though it totally changed, I am happier now than ever before. I have very difficult days and my support system has changed, but I am growing and learning…and that’s a good thing. Please hang in there and use that powerful voice of yours until you get the meds that you need. You rock, girl:)
November 27th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Hang in there sweetie and I hope everything gets sorted really soon
November 28th, 2007 at 8:28 am
my heart aches for you. thats the thing with AD, sometimes the adverse effects make everything snowball. feeling like a guinea pig is scary, because with depression we already feel hopeless and like no one will truly commit to finding us the help we need. but now there are so many new meds and with fewer side effects. unfortunately they can take a while to work the desired effect. for me, the most effective was Lexapro, but i gained weight with it. it was a good trade off because as soon as i could tell i was able to tolerate the med as far as physical side effects, i began to feel hopeful just knowing my treatment was going in the right direction. hang in there, i am so sorry…just dont give up that your doc will really be able to help you. i am actually on Wellbutrin XL 150mg now. i can relate, the 300mg made me MORE depressed. i couldnt stop crying and my insides were wrenching. it just take tweaking. too bad it takes so long. i am also keeping my fingers crossed & whispering a prayer :)
November 30th, 2007 at 9:18 am
I’ve got everything crossed for you. Let me know how you’re doing!
December 6th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I hope it works out for you, crossing eyes, hands, fingers, legs (wink) and toes for you. I love you and miss you!!!