Similar Features, Shorter Hair
By coolbeans
It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen my dad in person. While I was out with my daughter today, I saw a man who looked a lot like my dad. It was startling how much. I kept glancing over, trying to decide if that’s what my dad would look like with shorter hair and carrying a little more weight.
My brain twisted around and around looking for the answer. I finally asked my daughter to look. “Who is that man?” She looked and said, “I don’t know.” I asked, “Is that your grandpa?” She looked again. “No. He looks like him, though.”
The man got up and left and I was suddenly unable to hide the fact that I was trembling. I put my head down and started to cry. My daughter was perplexed. “Why are you crying?” I told her I didn’t know exactly. That I thought it might really be him.
She said, “I would think I’d be glad to see my dad if I were you.” Then she said something else. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it made me think she believes I don’t see him because of something I did.
I’ve felt shaken all day. I can’t stop crying and I feel lost. I didn’t realize why until just now. I was afraid to confront him and tell people what he did to me because I thought they would see me as a troublemaker. A grudge-holder. A tattletale. Maybe even a liar. I’ve dealt with other people in my life being unable to see why I don’t just “let it go”, but I didn’t think my little girl saw it quite like this. She doesn’t blame me and she’s not upset with me, but she does see me as the instigator. As much as she accepts me and allows my problems to be mine, if it weren’t for what I did, it wouldn’t be a big deal to run into my dad when we stop to get a burger and fries.
She’s not yet ten years old. I don’t want to tell her everything so she’ll be on “my side”. I’m on her side, and being on her side is more important than having her on mine. So I’m telling you. It’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I only made it stop.
Originally posted here.
November 21st, 2007 at 4:10 pm
I believe you. Having been on the other side, though, it won’t be too long before your daughter wants to know more, and you’ll have to decide what to tell and in what manner. She deserves to know your truth, and you deserve to not have her think it’s your fault when she is old enough to begin to understand. But I believe you. We believe you.
November 21st, 2007 at 6:04 pm
As much as you might not want to try to influence her judgments of people, it might not be safe for her to have any relationship with him…? People never do change. And if she thinks it is something you did, then someone has told her something already…maybe you need to give her the other side of the sory? Whatever you decide, do what feels right to you.
November 21st, 2007 at 10:09 pm
BipolarLawyerCook – Thank you. She’ll know more someday. She hasn’t asked about this much and has just rolled with it. I don’t know if it’s things she’s heard from others, information she misinterpreted from me, or simply the passage of time that put the focus on my role in the separation.
Beca – She doesn’t see him often. Before I confronted him last year, their time together was quietly chaperoned. Secretly choreographing every visit and outing was exhausting.
Before I confronted him, I was protecting him from the truth. He didn’t need or deserve it. Now, I protect her from him and give her as much truth as she needs when she needs it. I am glad to have someone else to vent the rest of it to. Thank you for listening.
November 21st, 2007 at 11:46 pm
i love this post, i really really do.
this is something more parents need to realize with their kids, “I’m on her side, and being on her side is more important than having her on mine.”
and this? this is AWESOME-EST EVAR! “So I’m telling you. It’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I only made it stop.”