I am learning.

Very slowly, I am learning.

The very thing that I need to see the most has been the very thing that is most clouded. I said to my therapist recently, “why didn’t you just tell me this in the very beginning so I could have been working on it?”

The thing is he probably did.

He probably did, and he wasn’t alone; there have been others that tried to help me to see. The very truth that I seek is shrouded in smoke.

Like a flimsy fish, I grab hold of its slippery body hoping to hold on and it wiggles out and swims back out into the ocean of my dreams.

My psyche is like an ocean liner, which turns slowly. Unlike a speed boat, a turn is fast. Some days I wish for the speed boat, and probably some days I get the speed boat.

Those bigger, meatier issues that slither within the curves of my brain are the ones that are the most reluctant to leave. Perhaps it took more time to build them, making their dismantle more elusive.

Some days I am the speed racer running from here to there, GETTING THINGS DONE. Some days, I am the ocean liner moving slowly and gently through the currents.

On the slow days, that voice in my head likes to remind me that I suck, I am in efficient and do not stack up well with my peers.

That is the mean voice, more than likely the voice of my mother. Every thing that is wrong is her fault right? I jest as I know it is not her fault. The fault is in allowing the voice to continue its rental status in my head, free of charge.

I told you, I am learning.

And today was an ocean liner day.