Since calling back the therapist and booking my first appointment for this coming Friday I have felt lighter, happier, more bright, and motivated to get up and go every morning. As the appointment gets closer I wonder if I’m already pushing myself to heal before I get there — like when someone hires a maid but cleans the house before she arrives.

The want I have to become ‘normal’ is so overwhelming some days. In the last week and a half the husband and I have re-connected so well that I don’t want to let anyone else into the spectrum of my thoughts. It cheapens the experience, to share, even here. I cannot describe the love we have without sounding cheesy or overdone but I will say this man is my best friend and I love him with everything I’ve got.

Jesus, even that sounds silly. Go ahead, laugh. I am.  But sometimes I want to be more ‘normal’ for him.

I’m so appreciative of this rock in my life that I can break down to, that I can trust completely, and that when I am up, as I have been as of late, he continues to inspire me on a daily basis to be myself, which is a happy person for the most part.

The less time I spend thinking about petty things and history, the happier I become. I find if I get my freelance work done in the morning (I work from home) and head off to the gym or go for a walk or even just shower and throw laundry in, I feel as though I’ve accomplished something. It beats sitting on this couch while surfing the net and feeling incredibly guilty about such a waste of time. If I stay on the computer too long, I mope and get so down. But I haven’t sat around on the computer for over a week. Now, by mid-day I’m ready to tackle any project and I’ve even found made time to read a novel again, or knit (I know), or just snuggle with the kids and talk. I used to brush all that stuff off to surf the internet.

It’s gray here – the snow hasn’t come and the sun is scarce, so I’m missing the brightness. I’m really busy with life though, and the kids. I haven’t yelled at them since God knows when, except to call them for dinner. By the end of the day I’ve done so much that 9 p.m. seems late and I crash. I’m making lists of house stuff and errands and getting them done, which is big for me. Hello, meet the Former Mrs. Procrastinator. I’m eating 3-5 small meals/snacks a day, cooking more for winter and sleeping a regular pattern, as opposed to the starving myself of sleep and food.

Like I said, the maid has been hired, and I’m cleaning the mental house.