My therapist has learned that sometimes if I’m having a hard time getting something out, I’ll disguise it with a bunch of small stuff that doesn’t make any sense, the words just leaving my mouth like a bunch of clowns leaving a clown car.

He’s gotten good at throwing in a “STOP RIGHT THERE”.

I don’t like that I do it, I’d much rather cut to the chase and say what needs to be said.

Towards the end of my last appointment I told him that I needed to get my affairs in order, and getting a job was at the top of the list.  I told him part of the reason I hadn’t gotten one was because I’ve been sad and lazy.

So he did the STOP RIGHT THERE, and said “those words you just spoke were authentic”.

“That I’ve been sad and lazy?” I replied, my head turned sideways like a dog, with the confused look.

See, I like to think that I am an authentic person all the time.  I had to toss that one around for a bit, quietly in my own head.

Typically when he points something out like this, it’s something I am already vaguely aware of.  But this, this being authentic was what I already thought I was.

Slowly, one of the layers in my head pulled back showing me what it was hiding behind the curtain.

Ohhhhhhh…..  I think I comprehend that now.

What I saw is that sometimes I am doing auto pilot, saying the things I know sound like the right answers.  Auto Pilot.  The dominoes started toppling over revealing nuggets of myself that I’d scooted off to the side for future reference.

FUCK.  That’s a pretty huge key to a lot of other stuff that I need to sort out.

I guess you could say that I’ve been “contained” for a few years now.  Meaning, things are shitty.  I know they are shitty, but I know they’ll pass because everything eventually passes right?

It isn’t that I was conscientiously trying to withhold information from myself, rather I think it was a way of protecting myself from something.  Or protecting someone else from my “something”.

Suffice to say, I’ve been turning this around in my head for the past week trying to get a firm grasp in order to deal with it properly.

Overcompensating for a truth I’ve been trying to avoid.  A truth that will shake some things up in a way that I don’t want to be shook up.  I don’t want to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.