Today is Tuesday, March 16.  The day started fairly mildly- no one wanted to wake up, but we managed to get awake and fed and medicated at something approximating “on time.”  One year ago today, I think the day started just as mildly, but it didn’t stay that way.

By 10:30 a.m. on March 16, 2009, Hoss had run far enough away from the school building to have needed the police to be called.  His escaping behaviors and his total lack of understanding as to the reasons why I worried had become more than I could handle.  By noon, I had picked him up from the school and was on my way to take him to the emergency room to request a psychiatric consultation and recommendation for admittance for an inpatient evaluation.  The school counselor followed me to the hospital (regulations prohibited her from driving us herself) and, with the full support of the administration, she stayed with me for four and a half hours as we met with doctors and nurses and explained Hoss’ outbursts and his behaviors in which he put himself in harm’s way.  After the counselor left, I spent a few hours with Hoss in the psychiatric wing of the hospital as we waited for paperwork and transport to the child and adolescent unit at Sheppard Pratt.  My husband came by and stayed with us until after dinner and followed us to the pscyh hospital.  My mom spent the night in Hoss’ bed, since it was nearly midnight when we returned home, and I didn’t want a tired, worried grandmother on the road.

I am sure Hoss has no memory of the date, and only hazy memories of what happened that day.  But it is going to eat at me all day long.  He’s come so far in the past year, but we’ve had some bumps of late and I fear for what they mean.  His regular monthly appointment with his doctor is tomorrow, and it may be time to adjust medications to account for his growing system.  I have learned so much about pediatric mood disorders in the past year, and yet I have so very much that I still don’t understand and that I can’t handle.  I have a lot of years ahead of us that I need to deal with.